Monday, July 30, 2012

Birthday Balloons and Sandy Beaches

Sometimes I just go postal on people. The things that people say and do can hit you as WAY inappropriate after you lose a child. In my case, the way people look at me or chew their food can get me riled up. I have said things that I don't mean, given looks that could melt metal and just been downright hateful to others.

I feel like I am entitled. I have always been nice, I usually bite my tongue, and I help people ALL the time. I am still mad that I don't have my child here with me. I miss being pregnant, looking for cute baby clothes and decorating a nursery. My step kids came home the other day and they both got really upset because they miss their mom. Because she is their MOM. No matter what things have happened in the past, they will always love her more because she is their mother.

I am just sad that I don't get that.

Do you ever have times when you feel like you are being attacked from all sides? Just the past few weeks we have had so many things go wrong and our livelihood put on the rocks because of one person.

We are GOOD people. We don't deserve the things that have happened to us over the past year. Most marriages don't survive losing a child, much less all of the things that we have been through. I don't know how much longer I can be strong. There are a ton of changes coming our way and I really just want to run and hide.

Yesterday was my nephew's 2nd birthday party. It was a superhero party and we all dressed up as superheroes. He was Batman... when the party was over my brother in law took the balloons that were left over and wrote a note to our Zoe Jane that read: "You missed the party, but we miss you more!" We let those balloons go and watched them fly up to her in Heaven. Sometimes it is the most simple things that people do to show you how much they love you....I have cried and cried since yesterday afternoon, I miss my little girl.

I received a message today from a friend in Austin who was vacationing in Costa Rica... She said that she has seen a ton of butterflies and she wrote Zoe Jane's name in the sand on the beach for us... she is sending a picture soon.

No matter what happens, I love my friends and I love my God and I KNOW that things happen for a reason and we stand to be truly blessed in this life.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Taking the Bull By The Horns

Bryan's kids have been gone for a week. We have been a little lost. Both of us have worked everyday and when we go home we just kind of look at one another. Earlier in the week we were really lonely and the grief snuck back in over Zoe Jane. There were several moments when we talked about why it happened. Tearful conversations that still left us with questions unanswered.

My best friends brother passed away last week. She is grieving. I have cried for her as well. It is so tough. I just heard that a past bride of ours just lost her little girl. Another angel baby born sleeping. I just can't wrap my head around it. So many babies lately. Or maybe it was always the case and I just never noticed before. How can one not notice a baby dying? I feel ashamed that maybe I didn't comfort someone who had suffered as I do.

The past few days I have been purging my life of things. We live in a loft with two kids, so we have to separate the space so that we all have privacy. Of course there is a kitchen, bathroom and laundry that are separate, but the living space is essentially a huge rectangle with old brick walls. I gave away the beds the kids were sleeping on, sold a couple of bed frames, rearranged furniture and cleaned EVERYTHING. I made the kids each a wooden "tent" to sleep in with a twin mattress in each. Keira's is a fairy princess tent draped with lace and lush fabrics. There is fringe around the edges and I made silver stars hung by ribbon for her to stare at while lying in bed. Brendans is a little darker with camouflage and draped with duck blind. I hung army men and glow in the dark stars in his. They each have flashlights so both can read in bed. I am thinking of making a "telephone" from tin cans so they can talk from tent to tent. I arranged furniture so they can have their own living room in between the tents.... there is a sofa and television and board games.

I have washed everything in the whole place, all clothes are folded and hung up. I have cleaned under kitchen cabinets and washed all the dishes. Bryan has hauled a ton of trash outside. I even found a few gift certificates that we received as gifts that were in folders! Now we can all be comfortable, relaxed and know where things are when we come home in the evenings.

I have framed pictures of Zoe Jane. One is on each of our bedside tables. I have a few more I will put around or hang on the wall. We still look at them everyday and talk about her. Keira called the other day and said that she got sad about Zoe at her moms house and she had to go to her room and cry. It broke my heart...but I am glad that she called me to talk about it. Brendan told me the other day that he wonders all the time what things would be like if she were here.

The kids will be home Thursday. I have to go to the airport to pick them up really early. They have called everyday. Keira calls three or four times a day. She is so ready to come home. She told me yesterday that she told her real mom that she also calls me mom. She said that her mom had tears in her eyes, so she quickly told her that she still LOVES her, but she loves me too and I take good care of her like a mom should. It touched my heart that this little six year old was so brave to tell her mom the truth. I am ready to see them and see the reaction they have to our "new" place.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Grief Sucks

The dreams are back and when I wake I don't know what is going on. I feel groggy and out of sorts. I am instantly in a bad mood. I can't describe the feelings except to say that I am just really pissed off. I know that people lose babies everyday. I am not the only person that I know who has lost a child. But it is not fair.

It's true when you lose a baby that people come out of the woodwork to comfort you. The problem is that you are too shocked over the loss of your child and you really don't pay attention to their efforts. The weeks after are when you need comfort. When everyone on Facebook is posting a sonogram picture, new baby pictures, gender party announcements. I can honestly say that I am happy for everyone who is lucky enough to get to keep their babies. I can also say that I am jealous of each moment of joy they are experiencing.

Women dealing with this grief are searching for a moment of joy. We are so tired. We are so confused. We have a hard time thinking straight and we sure as hell have a hard time smiling. I hate having to tell people that I am doing OK when it is a big fat lie. I am not OK and I am not sure when I will feel that again.

I was hoping that I would bounce right back. I have good intentions of being happy. I hope that people don't see deep into my eyes. Every day is just another day. There doesn't seem like a lot to be happy about right now. I don't think that it is even possible to find happiness. Zoe's due date is approaching and I am going to try to make that a marker to move forward. Right now I just want her here.... I want answers and I want the truth. No one can tell me what to do next. I don't know if the doctors will even recommend that we try again. I just know that if we did, I would be scared to death the whole entire pregnancy...there is no joy in that.

My best friend lost her brother yesterday and I felt more confident in regards to comforting her. I am here for her because I love her and she was there for me when I lost Zoe. She is so strong. She is taking charge for her family and making all of the arrangements. I admire her strength. I just hate that she is going through this. It is not fair. Her brother was so young and full of life. I hope that I can be the rock that she was for me.

Grief sucks. It takes the wind out of your sails. It makes you moody. It allows you to stay in bed a little longer because, hey, someone you love died. It makes you want to tell mean people to kiss it... and it can come in waves at any time...At the bank, at the grocery store or in the shower. Give people who lost someone a break. Our lives are consumed with feelings that you have not experienced.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Heaven Is Too Far Away

Today was a bad day. It started out fine... Just the normal get up, get ready, go to work. About halfway through my workday I just had this overwhelming sadness fall over me. I couldn't explain it. I didn't really have a particular reason for the feeling. It just felt like a heavy weight was gripping my heart.

I miss being pregnant.

I know. I bitched about being sick and swollen and tired all the time. But all in all, I was looking forward to this precious little girl. I had maternity photos scheduled. I had a hair appointment. I had newborn photos scheduled. I had bought so many clothes. They were planning my shower.

I didn't get any of that.

I had to buy a funeral plot.... and they come in sets of two... I had to put my child in a baby doll dress from a high end doll store. She was so tiny. There are pictures, but they are of her casket spray and of her laying in her little bitty coffin wrapped in the softest blanket I have ever touched. I kept looking at her and didn't want to walk away.

The grief is so bad. The hurt is torture. I feel like I failed. I am scared to try again because who wants to worry for months that a new baby will be alright? Pregnancy should be a happy time. No stress. Smiles and rubbing your belly and eating just one more bite of something that you can finally keep down. Does God not want me to have a baby? And what is the purpose of this if He does?

I am tired of being strong. I am tired of thinking that things may be better next time...I am too scared for a next time. How can anyone handle this again? It is the worst thing in the world.

There is a picture of Zoe Jane that is on my bedside table. Some people would ask me why I would want to look at it everyday... but I can see us in her. I can still imagine how things would have been. I can hope that she knows that I love her. Everyone says that she is in the best place possible... and I have no doubt that she is in heaven...the hard part is that we are not with her. 

People think that I am not living my life... but I am. I feel guilty. I feel guilty laughing, or being happy about anything. I am busier now that I ever have been. I can't put this life on hold. But I want to... even though I don't know what I would do. I think when you lose a child you want time to stop. You need time to stop. But it just keeps on ticking.

There are no answers. There never will be. I just can't accept it. I just can't jump right back into the normal. Things will never be normal again. There will always be this hole in my heart where my little girls experiences should have been. The first step, birthdays, dance recitals, graduations, wedding. I just need a purpose. I just need to know why this happens. Heaven is too far away....

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Gone With The Wind

Plantations, beautiful dresses, men in military uniform... barbecue on the lawn with the promise of war hanging in the air...all the wonderful aspects of the South before the Civil War. As I watched Gone With The Wind the other night I had fond memories of watching it as a child. As a child you only remember the main characters and catchphrases, but as an adult you see the pain and suffering, the love, the yearning...and the grace of the actors from long ago.

My mother loves Gone With The Wind. I learned to love it over the years as well. I love Scarlett, I love Rhett... and watching it with MY family made me very nostalgic. Some people are on Scarlett's side.. and I love her character, because so much of her is in every Southern woman... but it is Rhett that I love the most. Handsome, charming, with the money that comes from old wealth and gambling. Rhett truly loved Scarlett and she never loved him until the very end. A rambling man with words that would melt any girls heart... he truly loved Scarlett and Bonnie Blue, his daughter. He lavished them with gifts and tokens and took them on trips. He was the best father... he spent time with his little girl and it is lovely to see their relationship.

Watching the movie, I just kept thinking of what was going to happen next. Little Bonnie dies. That perfect, gorgeous little girl who loves her pony is taken from her parents. Both parents are distraught, but especially Rhett. She was his life. The love that her mother wouldn't accept from her father was given to this little angel while she was here on earth. Rhett didn't have a loving partner to help with his grief and it is very sad.

I am sad that my Zoe Jane will not see Gone With The Wind on a rainy day, snuggled with me in bed. I am sad that I can't tell her this story that is such a part of my life...I am sad that she won't be able to watch in wonder, all the while wishing she was Scarlett O'Hara wearing those beautiful dresses. I just know that she would have been a little dark haired, green eyed version of Scarlett, with the stubbornness that is in her Mom.

To lose a child is enormous. It doesn't matter if it is a movie, real life or something that is a possibility. We are all characters in this play called life and we never know when we will lose someone that we love. I had always felt sorry for Scarlett up until I was an adult and realized that it was Rhett who had his heart broken. Broken by the woman that he loved, broken by the loss of his only child. Broken... with no one to share in this grief that rips through your soul...

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Getting Old and Batman

Today I woke up to the gentle tap of rainfall on the windows and a still dark room. It was heaven. I snuggled back under the blankets against my husband and enjoyed the extra sleep that a rainy morning provides.

After everyone was awake, I started to feel restless. I haven't had the best week. The past couple of days have been downright hell. I think that going back to work and being up early everyday has taken its toll on me. I finally realized on Friday that I really am suffering from depression and I need to do something about it. I was able to mask it for awhile, but now I am to the point where I can't hide it anymore. I got up, took a shower, got dressed and put on makeup. I told my husband that I just felt ugly sitting there... I needed to do something.

I know the signs. I know what happens. You start to feel fatigued, then you start taking naps, and pretty soon you want to sleep ALL the time. Then you hurt. You physically feel pain. It is like having the flu. You don't worry so much about what you wear or if you clean the house. You have to make yourself get up and get ready everyday. You just want to stay inside. You lose joy in things that used to make you happy. You decide the little things don't matter. But in reality those little things are what make you the person you are.

I started taking the medicine my doctor prescribed. (The one who actually cares about me)

Bryan and I took the kids to their grandmother for awhile and we went to lunch. Then we pulled up to Pier One, which is a place we normally love to browse around in. When he pulled in, I looked at him and said "Do you really want to go in there?" and he just started laughing and said "No." So we just went driving around aimlessly, which we have gotten pretty good at lately.

We were looking at houses and found a super cute home for rent in a really great neighborhood. We called, it had just been rented. Great. I was really upset. I felt cheated somehow. I am so ready to be in a real home and not this loft. So we kept driving and I asked Bryan if he wanted to go and pick figs. We went to one of our favorite spots and got to work. When we got back into the car, we had sticky fingers and a huge bag of figs. We decided then and there that had been the most fun of the day and that we are, in fact, getting old.

When we got home my sister brought her oldest son over and we took him to Target and then home to cook dinner. Logan is almost two and has never slept anywhere except his own bed. He watched me cook, fed the dog Goldfish crackers, played with Hot Wheels and crawled all over my furniture. As I put his Superman pajamas on, he kept saying "Batman, Batman." Anytime that you ask Logan who he is, his voice gets deep and he says "Batman." It is so funny! When it was bedtime I tucked him in the bed next to me and told him it was time to go to sleep. He was out within about ten minutes. In fact, He is laying next to me now and he looks so sweet and peaceful. I love having him here. He is the next best thing to having my own... my little nephews are precious to me. I am thankful that I get to be a part of their lives.

The anger over Zoe Jane is greater now. I just don't understand why I couldn't have her. Why couldn't she have been OK? It is so unfair and it is fueling my depression. I feel like a failure. Like I should have done more. We still don't know why she died. We never will. I look at her sweet little face every night before I go to bed and just tell her how much I love her.

For now I have decided to get healthy, spend lots of time with my nephews who are quickly growing and just wait for things to level out. I pray the medicine will help me because I really need something to work out. I can't go on this way and I know it is unfair to my friends and family. You just never feel the same. This will always affect me and I find myself wondering when this pain will ease.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Flipping Over The Edge...

Ever get to the point where you think that nothing else bad can happen and then it does? Just that one random thing that pushes you to your breaking point and then you have to suck it up and deal with the rest of the day? Today I feel that way.

I want to go away for a vacation from the BS. I am so tired of things happening that are not GOOD. And I know what you are going to say... I should be happy that I have a good business, a good husband, that I woke up breathing this morning... But damn it. Can we just have one month where something doesn't happen? Here is my list....these are just the past two months.

1. Landlord issues. Don't even ASK. But it cost us about 3 grand.

2. The cooler at the restaurant went out. Lost a ton of money and had to buy everything again (one day before a catering event) Lost about 2 grand.

3. Lost my Baby Girl. Broke my heart.

4. Ex Wife Issues... let me just say that when you are a SINGLE woman and you marry a man with children, your life changes drastically. And then you have to deal with the other woman who, in my case, is like a windshield wiper as far as decisions go....flip flop, flip, flop. Attorney fees abound. She doesn't answer e-mails, but likes to text. Crazy as a bat one day and trying to be my best friend the next.... HATE IT.

5. Can't sleep, Tired, Hurt All Over. A lot of women who have lost their babies have told me they feel the same way.

6. Working 60 to 80 hours a week, ALWAYS taking care of the kids at the same time... Hey, I am Wonder Woman.

7. The fact that during the time that the kids will visit their mother, which is the 14th through the 26th, we will have them until really late on the 14th, which takes up basically the whole weekend, and then the next weekend we have a wedding and THEN we pick them up in Dallas on a Thursday... so the kid free weekend trip that we wanted to take?? Destroyed and annihilated by the OTHER woman who controls a huge portion of my life and plans. (Because she changed the dates on us last minute)

And the thing that flipped me over the edge?

My husband backing into a lady IN MY JEEP. Lovely. He thinks that it is no big deal but this is the second time in 6 months that HE has been driving MY CAR and something happened. It is not that I don't love him, it is that I will now have to deal with the insurance people about all of it and it just sucks. Plus a broken tail light on our part. I bet it doesn't get fixed for like 6 months... I mean, I can't even get the clean clothes put away....

So I am going to lay around, read a book until I fall asleep, sleep late tomorrow and try to not do anything productive. Although this pile of clothes is a monster and it is growling at me right now...

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Therapy and Benadryl...

So I quit therapy. I went one time and it freaked me out talking to a stranger about my issues. I would rather just write them and hear from all of the people that read my blog. I feel bad about quitting. The receptionist was super nice but the actual therapist was just a little weird. I don't like talking to someone with three massive "therapy" dogs in my session. I can't stand dog hair. That is why I have a Yorkie. If I can't wear black to a session and then go somewhere later... that is a problem. If I have to take a Benadryl before a session... that is a problem. All I got out of it was that I needed to do something positive for myself. Well, when I decide to not be a hermit and work 70 hours a week, then I will get right on that.

Plus, I just don't like going anywhere. I work ALL day and into the evening a lot and I just don't like having appointments. I want to take a shower, watch TV, read a book and then go to bed. I don't feel like weekends are weekends anymore. They are just work days...

Today I cleaned downstairs behind the bar. All of my floral supplies and such are now in order. I was going through some paperwork and I found a card that one of my friends sent to me LAST YEAR. It has a really pretty butterfly on the front and it was from a Children's Hospital. As I looked at it I noticed that the butterfly was drawn by a patient named Zoe. I haven't seen a butterfly in a while but I think that card was saved to remind me of my Zoe Jane. Made me feel better. I am going to frame it and keep it forever.