Monday, October 29, 2012

Birthday Blues

My birthday is tomorrow and I am not the least bit excited. I have to work and it will just be a normal day... I know that is what happens as you get older. But really I just don't want to get older. I will be 36... closer to 40 every day and I feel like I haven't been able to accomplish half the things that I wanted to.

Birthdays for me have always been fun because mine is the day before Halloween. I have always celebrated in grand style with a fabulous costume and I love this time of year. I AM happy the weather has turned so that it is not 90 degrees in October!

I am really sad that Zoe isn't here with me. I was looking forward to dressing her up for Halloween and just having a baby... an extension of me and her daddy that we could love and cherish. It doesn't seem fair.

I am like everyone else and I have found that I am quite addicted to Pinterest. All of the precious photos of little ones in cute costumes have made me tear up more than Hallmark commercials!

I keep thinking of all the things that I wish I had done differently. There are a million little things that would have probably affected the bigger picture. I just wish there was a manual to life that would at least CLUE you in to the consequences of ones actions.

So tomorrow I will be 36, I will miss my baby girl and I will think about the things I have yet to do. We have a fall festival to attend for my step kids and then get ready for Halloween. I hope that everyone has a fun and safe holiday and receives lots of candy!

I am going to send some balloons up to Heaven and have a piece of cake for my little Zoe Jane. She would have been the perfect little monster....

Monday, October 15, 2012

Moving On You Say?

I just lit Zoe Jane's candles for October 15th. It is a little early, but it was getting dark and I wanted it to light the room for awhile. My friends Andrea and Kim gave me a fantastic candle on her due date and it was perfect to light for tonight.

Today I read an article on grief and moving on. It spoke of banning the term "moving on." What exactly does that mean? Does it imply that I am not grieving properly? One would never tell someone who has just lost their husband or wife to move on. If you lose your parents you are not told to move on. Why do people feel the need to tell me to move on?

Wanna know what really makes me angry? I have been moving on. I have been getting up every day and moving on. Working and taking care of a family. Going through the motions of a life that is barely recognizable. The whole world has moved on. Family and friends have moved on. Just because I choose to incorporate my child into my life by speaking of her doesn't mean that I haven't moved on. My grief makes people uncomfortable. It makes my family and friends uncomfortable. I know this. I know they can't deal with it. I know they don't want to talk about her. I also know that she cannot be forgotten like she wasn't here. In no way is that right. In no world would a Mother abandon the memory of her only child.

I can remember how things were last year at this time. So hopeful and full of promise. Getting ready to start trying to conceive and so scared and excited. Never knowing that our world would be torn apart.

This year has been difficult. The worst year of my life. I pray everyday that things will improve and get better. I want a life full of joy and love. It just vanished on May 18th and has been compounded by other things since that time. The feelings are so hard to describe.  I talked with another mom who has experienced loss this weekend and I told her I wish God sent us progress reports from Heaven. It sure would make things a lot easier.

This morning I prayed for us. I prayed for Zoe. I prayed that I would see a butterfly. As I was walking through the garden center at a local store today with Bryan a yellow butterfly danced across my face. We both looked at one another and smiled. Just a little kiss from Zoe Jane to get us through. God heard my prayers.

October 15th

Today is October 15, a Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage in their lives, yet how many women do you know who actually talk about it? Not very many. Every single day in the US, 2,000 women lose a baby to pregnancy/infant loss. That’s 700,000 a year, a quarter of all females in this country.

I am 1 in 4. I lost a child. I miss her everyday and long to have her in my arms. 

Her memory will live on forever.

As I woke this morning I thought about how this is another first for us. Another hard day that memorializes the fact that our Zoe Jane is not with us. I look at her photo every morning and pray a little prayer. Some days the tears come immediately and other days God grants me peace.

Tonight at 7 p.m. we will join parents from around the world who have lost a child and will light a candle to create a wave of light for our babies. Everyone is asked to light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour to create this light.

If you know someone who has lost a child, if YOU have lost a child...please join with us tonight by lighting a candle for our babies to see from Heaven.

I will remember my little girl. I will visit her grave today. I will cry the tears of loss that do not seem to ever run out. 

Remembering our Sweet Zoe Jane today and always.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Working on Love

It has been awhile since I have written anything. We have been busy working and getting ready for the holidays. When you are in the catering/event business October wears you out. We have been putting together new holiday menus and getting the cafe and floral studio up and running in its new location.

I still miss my Zoe Jane daily. I look at her little face when I wake up and now I can smile at how precious she is. The sadness still creeps in at odd times and makes me cry. Decorating for Halloween the other night I was thinking of how we should be buying her a costume and getting ready for her first Halloween.

I still force a sad smile when I see little girls who are her age, with bows and cute outfits. We missed out on all that.

Bryan and I are working on loving one another more. We lost each other for awhile and we both realized very quickly that we couldn't let this tear us apart. As a couple that works together every day, we have to find time to spend away from our jobs and with one another. The thing about finding that time is finding a babysitter!

A lot happened this year and I hope that 2013 is better. We went from being pregnant and running our business to being pregnant, having his children here full time and running a business. After our loss things became pretty unbearable. There has been a lot of anger, hate, insecurity and hopelessness in this home. We have had to dig down deep to pull things together again. I just wanted my little girl and really would have done anything to have her here. Bryan wanted to fix it all but couldn't, his kids wanted Zoe Jane as much as we did. They are in a grief loss group now and are working on communicating to us about how they feel.

Grief, loss, death. It all sucks. I hate it. It can destroy your family, your worth, your ability to love and be joyful. I still find it hard to get excited about things. There are times when I just sit and stare into space and feel the tears welling up inside. For no apparent reason...just because I am sad and at a loss for words. My family doesn't talk about Zoe. My parents or siblings keep it a hush hush subject. I haven't spent time with either of my parents since Zoe's funeral. It makes things harder.

Therapy is helping us. We are learning about one another, about dealing with our losses, the things that have been taken away. No one really understands until they go through it. There are times when you think you are just bat shit crazy. There are times when you think that you would do ANYTHING to have your child back. You would sell your soul to have one more minute holding her in your arms.

I am starting to forget how she felt in my arms. I am starting to forget how it was to be pregnant. I am starting to get back to normal and it is a strange thing.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Good Grief

Driving home a few minutes ago with my stepdaughter, she said "Mom, I need to tell you something about my real Mom and about you." I said OK and listened to her tell me that when she visits her real Mom she and her brother cuddle with their mom (I am assuming at night before bed) and that her brother always rushes to get to their Mom first and she has to just go to bed after not getting enough cuddle time. She went on to tell me that when this happens she sneaks out of her bed early in the morning and goes to cuddle with her Mom without her brother there.

It made me really sad to think that this sweet little girl just needs to be loved. She isn't loved enough. She wasn't loved enough and she wants it. Craves it.

She then told me that she wanted to know if it was OK for us to have cuddle time because since Zoe is his Heaven, she needs to be my little girl and love me.

I almost lost it. She knows that I need more love right now too and she has always known. She has always been so sweet about Zoe and she includes her in prayers and special family moments. This perceptive little six year old who makes up funny songs while she draws pictures of our family. Her pictures always include Zoe.

Today I received a letter from the school asking permission for our kids to join a club for grief. It is for children who have moved, been through divorce or a death. It gives them a chance to talk about it and deal with it. I was not aware there was a program such as this and I was immediately thankful for the referral. The kids start this program tomorrow.

Here is a photo from the very first visit that I ever had with Keira. I remember that she watched me put on my make up, she picked out my jewelry and was utterly delighted to get a little squirt of my perfume before we left to go to a family get together. This was two years ago, and MY how she has grown and become so smart!