Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thanksgiving and Little Things

Things to be thankful for... I started out the Facebook Days of Thankfulness with quirky and smart ass comments about things that I was thankful for. The reality is that I am thankful for everyday things now. Tragedy does that to you. Life does that to you. Getting older does that to you.

I never noticed a lot of things before Zoe Jane died.

I didn't notice how blue the sky, how green the grass.

I didn't notice how much I worked.

I didn't notice how much I did not feel.

I didn't notice how much other people hurt.

I didn't notice how many children go without.

I didn't notice how many friends I had.

I didn't notice that I should let go of some things.

I didn't notice that so many babies went to heaven.

Now I have a greater intolerance for ignorance. For apathy.
For selfishness.

How can people stand by and watch others who work hard suffer? How can they make their lives more difficult? Why do people not help one another anymore?

What has happened to this world and our communities that we cannot work together, communicate and come together for the common good, whatever that may be?

I have become a stepmother this year, I have become a mother, lost my baby, moved my business, moved my new family, fought a custody battle, fought depression, started therapy, fought baby weight (that by the way is an unpleasant result for a mom that loses her baby... it's OK to weigh an extra 15 pounds if you have a baby, but if your child is no longer with you... people expect you to get rid of it and it won't go away!) I have worked on my marriage, worked on communication even through personal struggles and really, just really wanted to be in the bed sleeping the whole time. I have wanted to scream at people, tell people to mind their own business, to leave me alone, but then I have wanted to just fall into the arms of my friends and cry until I couldn't cry any longer.

Yesterday a business associate that I haven't seen in awhile called to set up a catering job and asked if I had the baby yet... this person is not around us and did not know and I felt bad having to tell them... but there I was again, telling the story while standing in Dillards looking at Christmas potpourri. Bryan looking at me with this face... like he couldn't believe that I was putting on the "Yep, lost the baby, we named her Zoe Jane, things are OK, now what can we do for you??" voice. What else can you do? I can't break down and cry at Dillards looking at potpourri. I love the Christmas potpourri for goodness sake. We have to make a living. We have to eat. We have to pay bills. We have to pay Santa for Christmas this year too.

I am thankful for little things. High thread count sheets. Hot water. Good soap. My Hair Stylist. Fuzzy Slippers. Hot Chocolate that my husband makes. Duck Dynasty (I know, I know) Pillows. Memories of my childhood. Smells that take me back. Friends that make me laugh. Little old ladies that pat my cheeks and tell me I am precious. (Doesn't happen too often anymore)

I am just thankful that God has shown me that through all of these trials there are the little things. He has answered many prayers for me over the past few weeks and my faith has been tested but I stood true. We are working hard to live a life that is real and true. Getting back to the basics. Getting back to the people that we know and love and to the simple things. The little things. The things to be thankful for.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Grief and Turkey

I have been putting off writing blogs. It has been a long, long time. I think of things to write about and then I think to myself that people really don't want to read about them.... so I just start doing something else.

Or stare at the wall.

Or a page in a book.

The thing is I still have a lot to say. I have so much to say. But you know, people get offended. They want you to keep your personal thoughts and feelings to yourself.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one knows what goes on inside your head. They just see the smile on your face and only a few see the shadows on your face and that the twinkle is gone from your eyes.

Sunday will be six months. Really? Six. Whole. Months. Half a year. It seems like I should be over it. It seems like the pain should be dull by now. The memories of what happened have faded over time, just like you forget what you wore three weeks ago, or what you got for your last birthday, or how your best friend from elementary school used to laugh.

I will get back to blogging soon. I am working on finding some happiness and normalcy in my life and trying to balance work and our crazy lives. Next week is Thanksgiving and I tend to get pretty sentimental during the holidays so I fully expect to have a melt down. Something about the weather, all the carbs and the required family gatherings.

There is a blog that was shared with me early on in my loss and the owner of the site is Franchesca. She lives in Texas and is fabulously talented. She actually keeps up with her blog. She is an artist, photographer, an entrepreneur, a SAINT... this woman does it all and touches the hearts of others. She has also touched mine in ways that I cannot even express. Please visit her blog. www.smallbirdstudios.com

She publishes a Loss For Words Calendar and asks for quotes from Mothers who have lost children over the year. This year she chose a piece from something that I had written about my Zoe Jane and it was published in the 2013 calendar that is just now out. A lovely piece of art for anyone, this is something that has humbled me and broken my heart all at the same time. Please take the time peruse her blog, order some art, order a calendar for yourself or a loved one. Below is Zoe Jane's page, our month is February and  I am honored to be a part of this project and I am honored to share my heart, my Zoe Jane, with all of you.