I have been doing pretty well the past couple of months. I made it through all the holidays without breaking down and I can go to Zoe's gravesite without tears, I thought things were going well....
But here come the daffodils, the sun, the wind and the general beauty of spring and I lose it. For several days now I will just cry for no reason. I will think of what size clothes she would be wearing and the cute bows that she could wear, not to mention Easter dresses and baskets.
It really sucks.
Today my friend Kathryn celebrates her son's first birthday, but her son is in Heaven too. She only had him here with her for 30 days. We often compare our situations and wonder which is worse... having them alive and seeing that personality and then losing them or in my situation, where I never saw Zoe breathe. I remember sitting in the hospital bed just praying that she would open her eyes and breathe... I think I really thought that if I prayed hard enough that it would happen.
Since losing Zoe Jane I have become educated. Educated on neonatal death, any and all causes of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. I have been asked to counsel other mothers dealing with grief, I have told my story a million times, because to hold it in is irresponsible. I think that telling my story has helped me so much more than the alternative.
People still look shocked when they ask if I have children and I replay with "two stepkids and a baby in heaven." I still see the pity in the eyes of people who ask me about children and I feel the need to constantly tell them that it is OK. It is OK that you asked, we tried and God needed her more...
I listened to an interview a few days ago with Miranda Dodson who is a singer/songwriter out of Austin, Texas. She experienced two miscarriages and then wrote a song entitled "Try Again." It asks if we should try again... should we dare to experience the grief that comes with loss in hopes that we can obtain that miracle that others take for granted. Look her up and listen. It is healing. And she just celebrated her little boys first birthday... after trying again.
So the house is decorated and all the little babies that I see are sporting their bright, spring colored outfits and are awaiting the Easter Bunny. My little girl will forever be under a beautiful tree with the breeze gently blowing; butterflies hovering about on a sunny day and I will continue to take her things that remind me of her during each season.
Hug those babies tight. Watch them while they sleep and remember that through all of the trials of life, whatever circumstance there may be, we can always try again. Sometimes, it works.