Last year we sent a Prayer Flag to Australia, to Christian's Beach for a ceremony on August 19th in remembrance of Zoe Jane. The flag that I made for her was strung up across the beach along with about 350 others from across the world.
It is late tonight and I have been having a hard time sleeping the past few days. Tonight I was looking over a few websites that I love and realized that August 19th is upon us again. I will make another flag and take it to her this weekend...
Last year at this time I was completely broken and the worst had just begun. There were things in my life that happened that I wasn't so sure I could recover from. Zoe's death being the starting point, my world systematically fell apart month by month. After getting through the really bad times we made changes in our lives and moved to a new place. It was hard. It was a big decision. But it was the brave thing to do.
I remember in the movie, You've Got Mail, Meg Ryan's character is forced to close her children's book store because of a large chain store that moved in around the corner. Her business associate told her that "Closing the store is the brave thing to do." I always think of this when I am faced with a hard decision. When I am faced with an issue that is heartbreaking or an issue that may hurt my pride. Being brave is the key. God has plans for all of us and if we do not seek His will then we may have to face hard decisions. Make changes in our lives to better ourselves. Make changes for our hearts, our health, our emotional well-being.
I know that I don't post many blogs anymore. Sometimes I just feel that people don't want to hear it. But the pain is still there. A little over a year and although I have forgotten how she felt in my arms and I didn't have near enough time to hold her, I am not and will never be over the loss of my only child.
The tears still flow, just sometimes late at night or when I am alone in the shower... every now and then when I look at the picture of her Daddy holding her and looking down at her tiny face. The nights when we are watching a movie and I just wish that she was asleep on my chest... sometimes when I see photos of my friends children that are the same age with their parents...
She holds the biggest part of my heart... the part with cracks and scars and pain. It gets watered all too often with my tears, but I will never forget her and the imprint that she made in my life.