New Year came and went and I stopped for a moment to remember that last year I couldn't drink because I was pregnant with Zoe, and I was sad for a little while, wishing she was here.
Gearing up for Valentines Day was much like any other year of my floral career, ordering, planning, making snack and candy baskets and then filling orders into the night. But still, I wished that she was here. I wanted her to wear that sweet little fleece Valentine jacket that I bought last year. I wanted to have a new Valentine in my life.
I took flowers to her on Thursday afternoon. Roses. Tied with red ribbon and greenery. I was disappointed to see that her other silk flowers had blown away and I felt guilty for not checking on them sooner. She still doesn't have a headstone. I just haven't handled it yet and the expense right now is something that I can't do. We did put concrete pavers around her plot and filled them in with white rock so that it looks nice. I have big river rocks to paint and put out, but I haven't done it yet. Maybe I will do that today.
People still treat me as though I am fragile. I am stronger now than ever before. I still miss her. I still want a child but the fear of losing another one outweighs the desire to get pregnant.
I finally gave away all the things that I had bought for her. Just last week I mailed a big package to a friend with all of the really special things that I had bought. It made me feel lighter to send those things to a sweet baby so they could enjoy them.