Sunday, December 23, 2012


Last week we all sat down together and made a Nativity Gingerbread house, complete with marshmallow sheep and coconut hay. Brendan read the Christmas Story from the Bible and we talked about the true meaning of Christmas.

The kids had fun making the scene and eating the leftover candy... and we were proud of our accomplishment, although the whole thing was a little crooked.

Tonight I am sitting in our front room where there are two decorated trees and a mantle full of vintage Santas and Elves. I love this room. There is no television and for the most part everyone leaves me alone if I am in here. I was thinking tonight that we needed to make our wishes for the year... We started the tradition last Christmas Eve, we all wrote a wish and placed them inside a beautiful "Wishes" ornament that two of my dearest friends gave to us as a wedding gift. This year as I was unpacking the ornaments, I found the wishes ornament. I opened it up and read the wishes from last year and immediately started crying. Last year on Christmas Eve we found out that we were expecting Zoe Jane. I took a test that morning and it was positive... we were so excited. Brendan and Keira had wished for toys, of course. Bryan had wished that Brendan, Keira and his new little one would be happy and healthy, and I wished for a baby girl. I am almost afraid to wish this year. It seems that some of our wishes came true, but the most important ones didn't.

I don't even know what to wish for at all. I am not ready to try again. I have no desire to be pregnant anytime soon. I would be sick with worry the whole time. Bryan wishes that we can still be here, doing what we are doing next year... I agree with him but most of all I just wish to be happy again. There are too many things that have crushed my spirit, broken my heart and made me lose faith in the very things that I used to treasure. I think that people take for granted happiness and joy. When you have nothing to grieve then it is a natural tendency to be happy. Then grief sucks the life out of you and makes you feel nothing but every stitch of hurt and pain.

It is the day before Christmas Eve, we have not finished our Santa shopping and have decided to not buy gifts for one another because we have spent so much trying to get back to simple and normal that we just really can't do a lot this year. I have the lists for the kids and will get those things tomorrow. I have made some special things for family and I hope everyone understands how much I wish to buy everyone something nice.

Tomorrow will not be a happy day for me, but I will find the strength to fill the house with excitement for Brendan and Keira, this will be their third Christmas with us and they are so excited they can barely sleep.

I want next year to be different. I want to be happier, more prepared and just enjoy the season. Now that it is almost over I really do not want to take down all of my Christmas decor. It will be sad to pack it up for another year. I am not sure if I will blog tomorrow, but with this writing before Christmas I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Love one another, hug those kids tight and remember that Jesus was born to give us eternal life. I do find comfort in knowing that Zoe Jane is in Heaven with Him, celebrating right along with us.

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