The days of normalcy are gone. The trance like motions of life have taken their place. I can't remember a time when I was truly happy, and there have been things happen this year that should have given me those feelings of happiness.
I have a book that I bought in a coffee shop in Denton, Texas about 18 years ago... it is called 10,000 Things To Be Happy About. I remember thinking that I HAD to buy this book. It was so interesting to see that someone had actually published something like this. I used to look through that little book and put pencil marks on the things that I had experienced... the things that also made me happy. I should do that again. Surely among those pages are more experiences that I have encountered in my adult life that should make me happy.
I often wonder what is normal. Is it normal to loathe certain tasks? To not want to answer the phone? To cry for no reason? Is it normal to feel guilt because you can't get to the cemetery enough to put flowers out at your daughters grave? It's just up the road. I should be able to go every day and yet I put it off because of the emotion that it brings.
No one really understands how it changes you. You just can't enjoy things any longer. I wonder if the joys of life ever come back? Am I forever jaded because my daughter died? I laugh but it's not the same. I cry but it's not the same. I love but it's not the same.
Things don't matter as much and yet other things matter even more. There is this ripple effect that grieving leaves you with. It is often noticed that people who lose spouses go on to lead very different lives. They sometimes become more open, more adventurous, more fun. Were they scared to be that way when their spouse was with them? Were they not allowed to be their true self? Or were they just too busy pouring all of their energy into that other person that they forgot themselves?
I think it happens to everyone. You pour your heart and soul into a relationship or a friendship. You put all of your focus on your children and not your marriage, or vice versa. Someone always loses out. You miss paying attention to someone. Do we know that we do this? Do we understand that sometimes we need to stop and reevaluate where are energy lies?
I feel stretched in too many directions. Work, home, kids, business, personal. Then some days I feel like I don't do enough. Some days I do too much and my mind is still racing. Since losing Zoe I can't concentrate as well. I don't care as much and I think that everyone around me suffers... but how do you fix it? Is it time? Does time fix this? I have spoken to people who lost children years and years ago and they say the hurt never goes away... it just takes on a different form.
So I just go on.. one day at a time, letting this ripple flow through me and hoping that I can get through one more day without someone noticing how disjointed my life has become. There has to be peace somewhere. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Someday I will find it. One day things will be different.