Thursday, June 13, 2013

To Be or Not To Be....A Mother

The past week has been filled with activity. What started out as a lost filling turned into a broken tooth and then an abscess. The pain was awful, and never having had a toothache in my life... I was a baby about it. Thanks to a really great friend in the dental field I made it through the weekend with medication and rest and then had surgery on Tuesday.

My recovery time is not as it used to be back in my younger days... and I say that as a 36 year old who still thinks about all the time that I wasted in my younger days. Today I was able to get out of the house a little and then had to return because I overdid it... trying to do too much and getting over something as simple as oral surgery can wear a person out. I missed a lot of work at the restaurant and floral shop and I have a great husband and staff who handled things for me.

So I sat in bed with my laptop and did paperwork for the business and returned e-mails. Later in the day I received a text from someone who wanted to discuss a situation... and the conversation turned to her feelings as a mother and how "if one day you ever become a mother then you will understand where I am coming from."

Rage. Seeing Red. Tears Falling Freely Soon Commence.

How dare this person stoop to this level and say that I am not a mother? This person who claims to be a supermom? This person who knows the hurt that resides within me? This person who is intentionally saying hateful things to me?

I was pregnant, I was in labor, I delivered a baby girl. She just wasn't breathing. I held her, I love her. She was here and I saw her.... She just wasn't breathing. Do you know what that does to your heart and soul? It literally rips into. The pieces never fit together just right again. There are gaps and crooked lines and places that don't match up.

This ever mending heart that I now have in no way means that I am not a mother. I wanted to be a mother to this beautiful little girl that was not breathing. People have no idea. I will never see her smile or dance or hear her laugh. I will never know what she looks like, how she talks. I will never feel her arms around my neck or hear her say that she loves me.

A Mother. How dare someone say that I am not a mother?

As a mother I have endured pain that others never have. I have grieved like some never will. I have prayed and hoped and cried buckets of tears for answers as to why I wasn't allowed to be a mother to a living child. I have worked hard to be a better person, I have seen what truly matters in life.I have made changes.

Just because my baby died doesn't mean that I didn't bond with her. It doesn't mean that I didn't talk and sing to her and dream big dreams for her. It certainly doesn't mean that I am not a mother.

I will say this. I am Zoe's mother. I would have been a great mother to Zoe Jane. She would have been a wonderful child. The only thing that gives me an ounce of peace is knowing that she is in Heaven and she is perfect. She is beautiful. She will never feel the hurt or anger that I felt today after being told that I was not a mother. She will never have to hear the hateful things that people say to one another on this Earth and she will never cry. She is forever happy with Our Father.

I have to forgive this person of their ignorant comment. It was meant to hurt me and they did a good job of it. I do know that Zoe watches us, she is here with us always and SHE knows that I am her mother. I may belong to a motherhood of women who still dream about the "what ifs," but I can tell you that we are a strong band of women who love our angels just as much as those mothers with living children.

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