We moved to a new house. I cannot tell you all how thankful I am that God put this place in our path. It is perfect. We love it and the kids are happy here.
For the past couple of weeks we have done nothing but move and unpack and decorate. Christmas trees are up, elves out, vintage Santa collection displayed...fun things all through the entire house.
Decorating the trees and the house was more like a job than a fun experience. I knew that Christmas would be hard but I didn't know that it would be this hard. Yesterday I went to Zoe's grave to take her a pretty little metal tree with colorful jingle bells hanging from it. I wasn't even to the cemetery before I started crying. Heart wrenching, gut tightening sobs. I want her here with me so much. Her first Christmas and she gets to spend it in Heaven.
The tree looked perfect and I know that she loves it. Even from her spot in Heaven. We also decorated a tree in her honor uptown at the pavilion. There are lots of trees there. Ours is a Zoe Jane tree. It is beautiful and lit up and has a big bow on top. When I drive through town I look in its direction because it seems to shine so bright.
We found out that we were expecting her on Christmas Eve. I know this year it will be a tough day. One of my closest friends who also lost a child called me today and she is having a hard time too. It comes in cycles, she said. The sadness, the anger, the acceptance. And then it starts all over again.
People are still telling me to get over it. I still think that no one would ever tell someone to get over it if they lost their spouse or grown child. I really think that people have a lot of nerve talking about me behind my back, too. Some of my friends have told me what others say and they take up for me because I have gone through a rough time. I am so tired of not being able to tell people the truth about things!
I put something on Facebook about it today and several people responded. When the truth is told and cold, hard facts are presented, people get pissed off instead of realizing they are the ones with the problem. The truth is... I am sad and mad and resentful and I don't like a lot of people these days. Mean people especially.
I know that I am mad. It is no secret that I am depressed and angry and sick about what happened six months ago. I would rather FEEL those things than keep them locked up inside... that is when people buy guns and go on shooting sprees.
There are a lot of things that I wish I had kept to myself, a lot of people that I have pissed off, a lot of circumstances I wish were better since we lost Zoe Jane... but I still have feelings. I still think about my little girl a majority of every single day. I still think that it is unfair that I wanted her so much and there are people who don't want their children.
I think this move is the greatest thing that we could have done. Getting away from the stresses of the bigger town that we were in, slowing down a little but still working at the professions that we love... I don't care if it is more inconvenient to live in a small town... it is worth it for peace of mind.
Last night was the Christmas parade, an ice skating rink, vendors and pretty decorated trees...the marching band and cheerleaders were there... the football team that is undefeated....Santa Claus and the Volunteer Fire Department... it made me feel warm and safe and secure to be in this community where I know people care. A community where people wave and say hello to you... a place where young men hold the doors open for you as you walk into a convenient store. Things are so different here, just 20 miles away. I needed the change. I needed the stars that shine so bright even though we live in town... I needed to be closer to my little girl and start trying to find my happiness again.
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