Moving On You Say?

I just lit Zoe Jane's candles for October 15th. It is a little early, but it was getting dark and I wanted it to light the room for awhile. My friends Andrea and Kim gave me a fantastic candle on her due date and it was perfect to light for tonight.

Today I read an article on grief and moving on. It spoke of banning the term "moving on." What exactly does that mean? Does it imply that I am not grieving properly? One would never tell someone who has just lost their husband or wife to move on. If you lose your parents you are not told to move on. Why do people feel the need to tell me to move on?

Wanna know what really makes me angry? I have been moving on. I have been getting up every day and moving on. Working and taking care of a family. Going through the motions of a life that is barely recognizable. The whole world has moved on. Family and friends have moved on. Just because I choose to incorporate my child into my life by speaking of her doesn't mean that I haven't moved on. My grief makes people uncomfortable. It makes my family and friends uncomfortable. I know this. I know they can't deal with it. I know they don't want to talk about her. I also know that she cannot be forgotten like she wasn't here. In no way is that right. In no world would a Mother abandon the memory of her only child.

I can remember how things were last year at this time. So hopeful and full of promise. Getting ready to start trying to conceive and so scared and excited. Never knowing that our world would be torn apart.

This year has been difficult. The worst year of my life. I pray everyday that things will improve and get better. I want a life full of joy and love. It just vanished on May 18th and has been compounded by other things since that time. The feelings are so hard to describe.  I talked with another mom who has experienced loss this weekend and I told her I wish God sent us progress reports from Heaven. It sure would make things a lot easier.

This morning I prayed for us. I prayed for Zoe. I prayed that I would see a butterfly. As I was walking through the garden center at a local store today with Bryan a yellow butterfly danced across my face. We both looked at one another and smiled. Just a little kiss from Zoe Jane to get us through. God heard my prayers.