Working on Love

It has been awhile since I have written anything. We have been busy working and getting ready for the holidays. When you are in the catering/event business October wears you out. We have been putting together new holiday menus and getting the cafe and floral studio up and running in its new location.

I still miss my Zoe Jane daily. I look at her little face when I wake up and now I can smile at how precious she is. The sadness still creeps in at odd times and makes me cry. Decorating for Halloween the other night I was thinking of how we should be buying her a costume and getting ready for her first Halloween.

I still force a sad smile when I see little girls who are her age, with bows and cute outfits. We missed out on all that.

Bryan and I are working on loving one another more. We lost each other for awhile and we both realized very quickly that we couldn't let this tear us apart. As a couple that works together every day, we have to find time to spend away from our jobs and with one another. The thing about finding that time is finding a babysitter!

A lot happened this year and I hope that 2013 is better. We went from being pregnant and running our business to being pregnant, having his children here full time and running a business. After our loss things became pretty unbearable. There has been a lot of anger, hate, insecurity and hopelessness in this home. We have had to dig down deep to pull things together again. I just wanted my little girl and really would have done anything to have her here. Bryan wanted to fix it all but couldn't, his kids wanted Zoe Jane as much as we did. They are in a grief loss group now and are working on communicating to us about how they feel.

Grief, loss, death. It all sucks. I hate it. It can destroy your family, your worth, your ability to love and be joyful. I still find it hard to get excited about things. There are times when I just sit and stare into space and feel the tears welling up inside. For no apparent reason...just because I am sad and at a loss for words. My family doesn't talk about Zoe. My parents or siblings keep it a hush hush subject. I haven't spent time with either of my parents since Zoe's funeral. It makes things harder.

Therapy is helping us. We are learning about one another, about dealing with our losses, the things that have been taken away. No one really understands until they go through it. There are times when you think you are just bat shit crazy. There are times when you think that you would do ANYTHING to have your child back. You would sell your soul to have one more minute holding her in your arms.

I am starting to forget how she felt in my arms. I am starting to forget how it was to be pregnant. I am starting to get back to normal and it is a strange thing.