Flags and Butterflies

Last night I met with a group of mothers who have also lost children. It was a little awkward at first, because they all knew one another and I didn't know them, but we soon began talking and it was nice. It was nice to hear their stories, to paint little candle holders for our babies, eat and drink. It was comforting to pray over the flags that we made to send to Australia in honor of our little angels.

I felt a great kinship with these people. We all have grief in common. We all want to talk about our children who are in heaven. Not one time did any of them look uncomfortable when I spoke of Zoe Jane. They didn't  try to change the subject. They speak of their children in the same manner.

It is a twisted road that we travel dealing with grief. This week has been especially hard for me because Tuesday was my due date and it was not only the end of my pregnancy, but the end of the journey of what would have been her birthday with the hopes and dreams that surround it. I keep thinking that there could have been something I should have done different so that she would be here with me right now. I feel guilty on days where there is a little joy that creeps in. I feel sad when I think about how I didn't get much time with her. I feel happy when I see a butterfly dance in front of me and pause for just a moment.

A few people have asked this week when we will try again and I can honestly say at this point that I am not interested in trying again. I feel like I would be trying to replace her. I don't want to replace her.

There is a reason. I know God had a reason. He has said that she was just too beautiful for this Earth. I have heard this message from more than one person who has kept us in their prayers. I know that He needed her in Heaven, but I sure wanted her here.

I was rocking my nephew to sleep a bit ago and kissing his little head. He is such a sweet and happy baby and I would like to think that Zoe Jane would have had the same type of spirit that he does. He just looks at you as if he is all knowing... and then he breaks out in this huge grin and sticks his little tongue out at you... I love this little guy more than words can say. Being around my nephews has helped me a lot after losing Zoe. They were the first people I wanted to be around after leaving the hospital. I just wanted to kiss and love on them.

October 15th is Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. Bryan and I are helping to sponsor the annual event this year at The Collins Home with a few other parents of angels. The lady that is in charge of the event contacted me the other day and I was glad to help. I feel like this is something that I can work towards to make me feel closer to others and work through some of my pain. Speaking with the other parents about it last night, one of the girls said "it will be a lot of fun". Then she caught herself... as if we aren't allowed to have fun because our babies are gone. I hope that we do have fun. I hope that it is the best night ever. I hope that we are all tied together with a bond of friendship that through this experience, only we know. There is much love and friendship through loss. One finds the strong friends who support you through everything.

Thank you to all of my friends who love and support me and Bryan. We love you more than you know. I am constantly overwhelmed at the things that people do out of love...  These photos are of the butterfly bouquet that we received on Tuesday, September 4th, Zoe Jane's due date. A beautiful, dear friend of mine, Melanie Gloster, commissioned all of these butterflies from our friends... each one was decorated and held a special message, poem or verse for our little girl. She and Missy Lyda put them together and left them on the doorstep to our work. We love you all so much... We were surrounded by butterflies on her day and they will ALL be treasured forever.