Love One Another

Marriage is hard enough without losing a baby. But when you do... all hell breaks loose.

At first you are both in shock, and God allows that for quite some time, just so you don't kill anyone I think. Then you are sad, angry, sad, angry, withdrawn, depressed, sad, angry. They cycle goes on and on.

In the midst of all the emotions that come with losing your sweet angel, you lose one another. The very person that you clung to when her heart stopped beating, the person that lost it with you at her funeral when "Sweet Zoe Jane" was played. The person that helped you to make this precious baby is someone you hardly recognize a few weeks after.

Men and women grieve differently. If there is ANYTHING that I can tell all of you who have lost a baby...it is this. Women are all feelings and emotions and questions. We want to talk about it. We want you to know and remember our angel baby. Men are all work and denial and " I have to be strong and fix this". Losing a baby is something that cannot be fixed. It can send you in a downward spiral very quickly if you do not cling to one another.

When you are at a place of peace, your husband is just starting to grieve. He was strong for you, now you have to be strong for him.

No matter how I felt, I got up everyday. I made lunches. Dressed kids. Got them to where they needed to go. Did homework. Washed clothes. Cooked meals. I wanted to stay in the bed and cry all day and wish Zoe Jane into existence. I cried in the shower so he wouldn't feel obligated to hold me so much.

But in the three months after losing her, he felt as if he had lost me. I was a shell of the person that I once was. Our love for one another was in question because I was using all of my love up on a baby that is already in Heaven. She knows that I love her. I am her Mother whether she is here or not. I spent every bit of extra energy that I had grieving my precious child. I just wanted to hold her one more time. I just wanted to see her breathe. I didn't care that I was pushing my husband away. I didn't care that I wasn't kissing him the way that I used to. I didn't care that I just held his hand as a way to steady myself because I was so exhausted.

I should have cared.

Conversations and events of the past few weeks have taught me that my husband thought that I no longer loved him. He needed me to love him and appreciate him and to tell him these things. I felt like I had a free pass until I was ready because I had lost a baby.

The person carrying a baby will always grieve harder. We felt those flutters and kicks. They made us sick, they made us wonder and they made us smile and dream of a future. I know that Bryan misses Zoe Jane too. He has her name tattooed on his arm and I love to look at it. He loves her too. We just grieve differently.

I think the best thing one can do is let the other grieve in their own way but assure the other they are loved. They are wanted. It is something that you must go through together because you both know how the other feels. You just don't process it in the same way.

Zoe Jane has been gone for four months now. Of those four, I can honestly say that I didn't show my husband how much I loved and appreciated him nearly enough. I was too wrapped up in my own grief and struggling to get through the motions of each day.

We are diligently working on loving one another. We want our family and our lives to be normal again.We want to be happy and joyful. The thought of the holidays without our sweet little girl hurts so much, and we talked about it while looking at Christmas decorations yesterday.

Love one another, hold one another and be a unit of strength. The loss of a child is great enough without losing the people that you love the most who are here with you. Never forget the important people. Hold them close and forgive the little things. Sometimes just having them is enough.