Realizations.

Yesterday several things in my life became very clear. One is that we ALL miss Zoe. It isn't just me. I was doing some paperwork and Keira was sitting next to me with her head on the table and I asked her what was wrong.

She looked up with tears in her eyes and said that she missed Zoe. She said that she wanted to be a big sister. She didn't think it was fair that her sister was in Heaven and not here in person.

It broke my heart.

I held onto her while she cried it out and I let the tears flow. The honesty that came from her little heart was so touching. I explained to her that Zoe was still her sister, she was still a big sister and she could talk to her whenever she wanted.

She said that she saw a butterfly at school on the playground and there was a little boy messing with it and she told him that was Zoe and he needed to leave her sister alone! Then she smiled as she told me that Zoe flew away and that little boy couldn't mess with her anymore.

I also realized that while I have spent the last several months grieving so hard over Zoe Jane, I haven't allowed my husband to grieve. He has worked extra hard, moved us into a new place and held everything together when I was too tired or sad to do it. There have literally been days that I just wanted to stay in the bed and do nothing... he is the reason why I get up everyday.

He needs to be able to grieve, but I don't know how to guide him in it. Or if I should even try.

Losing a child tests your marriage because along with all of the normal issues that a marriage endures, death just compounds them. You seek for answers from one another, knowing the other doesn't have them either. You seek God, but sometimes praying is too hard because you just forget how to pray. The very things that used to hold you together start to tear you apart and you have to find the glue quickly.

I am sad to say that I have been too focused on my own grief that I have neglected the grief of my family. My husband, who does so much to keep things going... I feel like I have let him down not only by not being able to carry Zoe to full term, but by not allowing him the necessary feelings to get through it.

We will never get over this, but through the process of grief and reflection, we may get through it... and I would rather have my family by my side instead of doing it alone.

I want us to be happy and carry Zoe as a sweet memory. She makes going to Heaven even more exciting. I just hope that I can be strong enough to be the mother and wife that I am supposed to be while we all work through this. There has to be a reason, and the tests we have endured are so painful.... but if it brings us all closer then it is worth it... tears and all.