Zoe Is Not A Butterfly?

So people think that I am crazy. My sister says that I am losing it, my husband thinks the same thing...and I think that people just pretty much stay away from me in general because they don't want to feel uncomfortable at any point in time.

I think that when you lose a child you border on insanity. Your thoughts are consumed by this love of your life that you can never see or hold again. You constantly wonder what if and why. You search for little clues that their spirit is somewhere out there in the universe and you cling to ANYTHING that makes you feel better.

Yesterday I was told that "Zoe is not a butterfly." Well. No Shit. I know this. But I sure like to think that when I am thinking about her a lot, or when I am sad and missing her.... that if a butterfly dances across my path it is God sending me a little bit of her from Heaven. It makes me feel better. It makes me smile and have joy for just a few seconds and that is healing.

I don't really care if you think that I am crazy. I am going to talk about my child whether she is here or not. She is my little girl who didn't get to see this world or fulfill any of the dreams that I had for her. She will always be remembered by her Mother and I would feel like I was letting her down if I didn't keep her memory alive.

I may never have a biological child of my own... so she is the only little bit of me that was ever here. I got to see that precious face that was part of ME.

I do not know why God chose Zoe Jane. Was it that he had mercy on her and us? Was she going to suffer? I choose to not think of that. I choose to think that He needed her in Heaven for a special purpose. I will not consume my life and thoughts of her suffering... because she didn't have to. She never felt pain. She never felt sorrow. She is surrounded by the best love of all.

I hope that every time you see a butterfly you think of someone that is close to you. I hope that you notice how blue the sky is, how green the grass and how tall the trees. Grief makes you see things in a different light. So let the butterflies come... and let me be with my good thoughts of a tragedy that tried to throw me into darkness. Zoe wouldn't want us to be sad. She needs her mother... even from Heaven.