Today I woke up to the gentle tap of rainfall on the windows and a still dark room. It was heaven. I snuggled back under the blankets against my husband and enjoyed the extra sleep that a rainy morning provides.
After everyone was awake, I started to feel restless. I haven't had the best week. The past couple of days have been downright hell. I think that going back to work and being up early everyday has taken its toll on me. I finally realized on Friday that I really am suffering from depression and I need to do something about it. I was able to mask it for awhile, but now I am to the point where I can't hide it anymore. I got up, took a shower, got dressed and put on makeup. I told my husband that I just felt ugly sitting there... I needed to do something.
I know the signs. I know what happens. You start to feel fatigued, then you start taking naps, and pretty soon you want to sleep ALL the time. Then you hurt. You physically feel pain. It is like having the flu. You don't worry so much about what you wear or if you clean the house. You have to make yourself get up and get ready everyday. You just want to stay inside. You lose joy in things that used to make you happy. You decide the little things don't matter. But in reality those little things are what make you the person you are.
I started taking the medicine my doctor prescribed. (The one who actually cares about me)
Bryan and I took the kids to their grandmother for awhile and we went to lunch. Then we pulled up to Pier One, which is a place we normally love to browse around in. When he pulled in, I looked at him and said "Do you really want to go in there?" and he just started laughing and said "No." So we just went driving around aimlessly, which we have gotten pretty good at lately.
We were looking at houses and found a super cute home for rent in a really great neighborhood. We called, it had just been rented. Great. I was really upset. I felt cheated somehow. I am so ready to be in a real home and not this loft. So we kept driving and I asked Bryan if he wanted to go and pick figs. We went to one of our favorite spots and got to work. When we got back into the car, we had sticky fingers and a huge bag of figs. We decided then and there that had been the most fun of the day and that we are, in fact, getting old.
When we got home my sister brought her oldest son over and we took him to Target and then home to cook dinner. Logan is almost two and has never slept anywhere except his own bed. He watched me cook, fed the dog Goldfish crackers, played with Hot Wheels and crawled all over my furniture. As I put his Superman pajamas on, he kept saying "Batman, Batman." Anytime that you ask Logan who he is, his voice gets deep and he says "Batman." It is so funny! When it was bedtime I tucked him in the bed next to me and told him it was time to go to sleep. He was out within about ten minutes. In fact, He is laying next to me now and he looks so sweet and peaceful. I love having him here. He is the next best thing to having my own... my little nephews are precious to me. I am thankful that I get to be a part of their lives.
The anger over Zoe Jane is greater now. I just don't understand why I couldn't have her. Why couldn't she have been OK? It is so unfair and it is fueling my depression. I feel like a failure. Like I should have done more. We still don't know why she died. We never will. I look at her sweet little face every night before I go to bed and just tell her how much I love her.
For now I have decided to get healthy, spend lots of time with my nephews who are quickly growing and just wait for things to level out. I pray the medicine will help me because I really need something to work out. I can't go on this way and I know it is unfair to my friends and family. You just never feel the same. This will always affect me and I find myself wondering when this pain will ease.
No comments:
Post a Comment