Birthday Balloons and Sandy Beaches

Sometimes I just go postal on people. The things that people say and do can hit you as WAY inappropriate after you lose a child. In my case, the way people look at me or chew their food can get me riled up. I have said things that I don't mean, given looks that could melt metal and just been downright hateful to others.

I feel like I am entitled. I have always been nice, I usually bite my tongue, and I help people ALL the time. I am still mad that I don't have my child here with me. I miss being pregnant, looking for cute baby clothes and decorating a nursery. My step kids came home the other day and they both got really upset because they miss their mom. Because she is their MOM. No matter what things have happened in the past, they will always love her more because she is their mother.

I am just sad that I don't get that.

Do you ever have times when you feel like you are being attacked from all sides? Just the past few weeks we have had so many things go wrong and our livelihood put on the rocks because of one person.


We are GOOD people. We don't deserve the things that have happened to us over the past year. Most marriages don't survive losing a child, much less all of the things that we have been through. I don't know how much longer I can be strong. There are a ton of changes coming our way and I really just want to run and hide.

Yesterday was my nephew's 2nd birthday party. It was a superhero party and we all dressed up as superheroes. He was Batman... when the party was over my brother in law took the balloons that were left over and wrote a note to our Zoe Jane that read: "You missed the party, but we miss you more!" We let those balloons go and watched them fly up to her in Heaven. Sometimes it is the most simple things that people do to show you how much they love you....I have cried and cried since yesterday afternoon, I miss my little girl.

I received a message today from a friend in Austin who was vacationing in Costa Rica... She said that she has seen a ton of butterflies and she wrote Zoe Jane's name in the sand on the beach for us... she is sending a picture soon.

No matter what happens, I love my friends and I love my God and I KNOW that things happen for a reason and we stand to be truly blessed in this life.