Bryan's kids have been gone for a week. We have been a little lost. Both of us have worked everyday and when we go home we just kind of look at one another. Earlier in the week we were really lonely and the grief snuck back in over Zoe Jane. There were several moments when we talked about why it happened. Tearful conversations that still left us with questions unanswered.
My best friends brother passed away last week. She is grieving. I have cried for her as well. It is so tough. I just heard that a past bride of ours just lost her little girl. Another angel baby born sleeping. I just can't wrap my head around it. So many babies lately. Or maybe it was always the case and I just never noticed before. How can one not notice a baby dying? I feel ashamed that maybe I didn't comfort someone who had suffered as I do.
The past few days I have been purging my life of things. We live in a loft with two kids, so we have to separate the space so that we all have privacy. Of course there is a kitchen, bathroom and laundry that are separate, but the living space is essentially a huge rectangle with old brick walls. I gave away the beds the kids were sleeping on, sold a couple of bed frames, rearranged furniture and cleaned EVERYTHING. I made the kids each a wooden "tent" to sleep in with a twin mattress in each. Keira's is a fairy princess tent draped with lace and lush fabrics. There is fringe around the edges and I made silver stars hung by ribbon for her to stare at while lying in bed. Brendans is a little darker with camouflage and draped with duck blind. I hung army men and glow in the dark stars in his. They each have flashlights so both can read in bed. I am thinking of making a "telephone" from tin cans so they can talk from tent to tent. I arranged furniture so they can have their own living room in between the tents.... there is a sofa and television and board games.
I have washed everything in the whole place, all clothes are folded and hung up. I have cleaned under kitchen cabinets and washed all the dishes. Bryan has hauled a ton of trash outside. I even found a few gift certificates that we received as gifts that were in folders! Now we can all be comfortable, relaxed and know where things are when we come home in the evenings.
I have framed pictures of Zoe Jane. One is on each of our bedside tables. I have a few more I will put around or hang on the wall. We still look at them everyday and talk about her. Keira called the other day and said that she got sad about Zoe at her moms house and she had to go to her room and cry. It broke my heart...but I am glad that she called me to talk about it. Brendan told me the other day that he wonders all the time what things would be like if she were here.
The kids will be home Thursday. I have to go to the airport to pick them up really early. They have called everyday. Keira calls three or four times a day. She is so ready to come home. She told me yesterday that she told her real mom that she also calls me mom. She said that her mom had tears in her eyes, so she quickly told her that she still LOVES her, but she loves me too and I take good care of her like a mom should. It touched my heart that this little six year old was so brave to tell her mom the truth. I am ready to see them and see the reaction they have to our "new" place.
No comments:
Post a Comment