Grief Sucks

The dreams are back and when I wake I don't know what is going on. I feel groggy and out of sorts. I am instantly in a bad mood. I can't describe the feelings except to say that I am just really pissed off. I know that people lose babies everyday. I am not the only person that I know who has lost a child. But it is not fair.

It's true when you lose a baby that people come out of the woodwork to comfort you. The problem is that you are too shocked over the loss of your child and you really don't pay attention to their efforts. The weeks after are when you need comfort. When everyone on Facebook is posting a sonogram picture, new baby pictures, gender party announcements. I can honestly say that I am happy for everyone who is lucky enough to get to keep their babies. I can also say that I am jealous of each moment of joy they are experiencing.

Women dealing with this grief are searching for a moment of joy. We are so tired. We are so confused. We have a hard time thinking straight and we sure as hell have a hard time smiling. I hate having to tell people that I am doing OK when it is a big fat lie. I am not OK and I am not sure when I will feel that again.

I was hoping that I would bounce right back. I have good intentions of being happy. I hope that people don't see deep into my eyes. Every day is just another day. There doesn't seem like a lot to be happy about right now. I don't think that it is even possible to find happiness. Zoe's due date is approaching and I am going to try to make that a marker to move forward. Right now I just want her here.... I want answers and I want the truth. No one can tell me what to do next. I don't know if the doctors will even recommend that we try again. I just know that if we did, I would be scared to death the whole entire pregnancy...there is no joy in that.

My best friend lost her brother yesterday and I felt more confident in regards to comforting her. I am here for her because I love her and she was there for me when I lost Zoe. She is so strong. She is taking charge for her family and making all of the arrangements. I admire her strength. I just hate that she is going through this. It is not fair. Her brother was so young and full of life. I hope that I can be the rock that she was for me.

Grief sucks. It takes the wind out of your sails. It makes you moody. It allows you to stay in bed a little longer because, hey, someone you love died. It makes you want to tell mean people to kiss it... and it can come in waves at any time...At the bank, at the grocery store or in the shower. Give people who lost someone a break. Our lives are consumed with feelings that you have not experienced.