Heaven Is Too Far Away

Today was a bad day. It started out fine... Just the normal get up, get ready, go to work. About halfway through my workday I just had this overwhelming sadness fall over me. I couldn't explain it. I didn't really have a particular reason for the feeling. It just felt like a heavy weight was gripping my heart.

I miss being pregnant.

I know. I bitched about being sick and swollen and tired all the time. But all in all, I was looking forward to this precious little girl. I had maternity photos scheduled. I had a hair appointment. I had newborn photos scheduled. I had bought so many clothes. They were planning my shower.

I didn't get any of that.

I had to buy a funeral plot.... and they come in sets of two... I had to put my child in a baby doll dress from a high end doll store. She was so tiny. There are pictures, but they are of her casket spray and of her laying in her little bitty coffin wrapped in the softest blanket I have ever touched. I kept looking at her and didn't want to walk away.

The grief is so bad. The hurt is torture. I feel like I failed. I am scared to try again because who wants to worry for months that a new baby will be alright? Pregnancy should be a happy time. No stress. Smiles and rubbing your belly and eating just one more bite of something that you can finally keep down. Does God not want me to have a baby? And what is the purpose of this if He does?

I am tired of being strong. I am tired of thinking that things may be better next time...I am too scared for a next time. How can anyone handle this again? It is the worst thing in the world.

There is a picture of Zoe Jane that is on my bedside table. Some people would ask me why I would want to look at it everyday... but I can see us in her. I can still imagine how things would have been. I can hope that she knows that I love her. Everyone says that she is in the best place possible... and I have no doubt that she is in heaven...the hard part is that we are not with her. 

People think that I am not living my life... but I am. I feel guilty. I feel guilty laughing, or being happy about anything. I am busier now that I ever have been. I can't put this life on hold. But I want to... even though I don't know what I would do. I think when you lose a child you want time to stop. You need time to stop. But it just keeps on ticking.

There are no answers. There never will be. I just can't accept it. I just can't jump right back into the normal. Things will never be normal again. There will always be this hole in my heart where my little girls experiences should have been. The first step, birthdays, dance recitals, graduations, wedding. I just need a purpose. I just need to know why this happens. Heaven is too far away....