The days just carry on as if nothing has happened. Business as usual. People go about their daily business and do not have a tiny little thought about you. You work hard to mask the grief and be the person you were before, but it is impossible to do. You will never be the same.
The days of dreaming about a little one to watch grow up and have your qualities have vanished. You are terrified to go through it again, and why would you want to? Everyone expects you to say that you are OK when they ask. You do what is expected, say what is expected and then carry on with the blows of everyday life. Sometimes you think there is no way that your life could get any worse and then something happens that sets you off, and you think that people are stupid for not knowing that your baby just died. People are mean, they are unsympathetic to the fact that parents who have just lost a child have lost way more than that. All they have to cling to is each other, their jobs, their businesses. When things happen in everyday life they are a thousand times more terrifying. The effects of standing in the line at the grocery store can make you go crazy.
I think it's OK to feel crazy when this happens. You know that you are not, but you can't help but feel it. You don't find joy in the things that you once did. The foods or music that you enjoyed before do not taste or sound the same. There is not a day that goes by that you are not consumed with what your child looks like, how they smell, are they loved?
I know that people who read this will think that I am depressed. I am depressed at times. I feel guilty, I feel numb. Other days I am relatively happy and have something to do that keeps me busy. At first you feel guilty about smiling, or laughing or going out to dinner with your husband. You feel guilty about not being the partner that you should be, about turning away at night because the thought of being intimate some days is hurtful. You feel guilty because you are SO tired and you just want to sleep...but it is the middle of the day and you can't.
I wanted to take off from work. I wanted to sleep for days. I wanted to lay on her grave and ask God over and over why He took my little girl from me. But instead I cling to the little things. The baby steps that will get me to a point where I can feel like myself again. The key to our new house has a butterfly on it, my husband brought it to me last night... had one made special. My stepdaughter went shopping with friends last night and bought a pair of earrings for me. There is a bundle of calla lilies in the cooler that will be perfect to lay on Zoe Jane's resting spot.
Each day is different and we face challenges on the way, but I am firm in believing that God has control and He will guide my grief, my love and my life in the right direction. Loving my little girl is just a little harder because she is so far away.
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