Grief Girl to The Rescue

The thing about blogging is that sometimes... sometimes... people write to YOU. I love when I open my email or my facebook and I have a message from someone. It makes me feel like I do this for a reason other than for my own healing. Since I lost Zoe Jane I have received letters in the mail, messages via email, text, facebook. I read and treasure EVERY ONE OF THEM. Just knowing that my random thoughts, fears and sometimes plain BS touches anyone is of great importance to me.

Getting letters from others and reading about their experiences, their opinions and their takes on what I have to say is uplifting... it helps me to heal even more. It gives me a reason to continue on without my sweet little girl. It means the world to me that people even read what I write.

Someone told me today that everyone has a purpose on this earth and that maybe mine was to experience loss. To feel it. To grieve it. To learn it.

I hate it.

I have definitely experienced it. It sucks. I want to beat it up... lock it up. Kill it. Burn it. Send it to hell. I wish I had a superpower. I would be Grief Girl. I could Face Grief for all Mankind and Banish it from their hearts.

I can't even remember who I used to be. Is that what God wanted? Did He intend for me to completely change? Did He intend for me to have sleepless nights and cry buckets of tears? Did He intend for me to question my purpose here on this Earth? The things that people have told me throughout this journey have helped me to seek these answers more fervently. I know that I am not in any way over this grief. I am not in any way ready for a "new" baby. I am not ready to lock the memory of Zoe Jane away and throw away the key.

I think that my family would like for me to. I think there are people who just don't get it and think that I should get over it. To those people I would like to say... try holding your dead child in your arms and looking at her perfect little face and knowing that you will never ever see her breathe. Try leaving the hospital to attend her funeral. Try standing at the cemetery to make sure that they are careful placing her casket in the ground. And THEN try to tell me that you can be over it in three months when everyone around you continues on with life and your best friends are bringing their babies home.

You really lose a certain sense of reality and you try so hard to grasp at little strings.... it is like trying to catch a balloon that is just right out of your reach. You know that you should be a certain way... but you just don't care, and you feel like you are entitled because hey, your baby just died and to hell with what other people think about you.

Today we were coming back from breakfast and we were pulled over by a cop on the Texas side. We knew it was because our tags were out. I had been telling Bryan to go and get them and he keeps forgetting and I keep forgetting, and it is just one of those things that we just FORGET. These days we are lucky to remember to put gas in the vehicles. Anyway, the officer gave us a warning and said "So, I hear you are moving the cafe to a new location..." Bryan told her that we were and then she said.... "Yeah, some friends brought me in one day but you only had three specials offered in your cafe that day, when are you going to have a full menu?" Bryan looked at me funny and asked me when did we only have three specials (because we DO HAVE A FULL MENU EVERYDAY) and I said.... "Umm... that was the day our baby died and Chef was back and forth to the hospital so there were just three choices so our staff could handle it."

Wanna know what this person said???

"Well, you would think that you would have a full menu and a staff that could handle it when stuff happens."

Know what I wanted to say???

Get the hell out of my FACE before I run you over in this Jeep with a HEMI.....

So you see, people are just people... they don't care that your baby died.. they just want a full menu... they want you at full capacity so that they can get what they want when they want it.

But I am not ready to let go. I am not ready to lock these feelings away. Right now I am going to miss her every second of every day and I am NOT OK. I am not ready for another baby. I don't know that I will ever be ready to try for another baby. If that happens, that child will know about Zoe Jane, just like all of you do.

If God means for me to learn loss and to obtain peace then I will do it. If it means not running over a police officer, then OK. If it means crying in the shower instead of in public, then OK. If it means reaching out to others who need help when they lose their little one, then OK... I can do that. But if you see me crying at a red light it is just because I am having a bad day. If I don't have make up on or my hair is in a pony tail, it is because it took every ounce of energy to get up, breathe and put clothes on to come to work... but don't judge me... I am here with a bit of a smile on my face, aren't I? Little by little I will get to that point of peace, but it is going to take a lot of tears, watching butterflies and prayers to get me there.