Stormy Night

Tomorrow is three months. Sometimes I feel like I should stop remembering how many months it has been... but she would have been here by now. My due date is a few weeks away and I know that I wouldn't have made it until that date...

Bryan and I have been keeping my sisters two boys for a few days while they are on a cruise. It has been pretty rough with a 5 month old and a 2 year old on top of his kids and our schedules. The schedule that we have to keep tomorrow is over the top and I hope that we get everything done. Bryan has been working on our new place non stop and so he has been home late every night. That leaves me to get everyone to bed and things cleaned up. I am exhausted.

We went out on a "date" the other night, and really it was just going out to dinner because we didn't have time to do anything else, but it felt weird. When something rocks your world to the core, it is hard to reconnect and find lightness in a world full of dark. There isn't much to talk about except work and the next business step. I get tired of those things and wish that we could remember the things we talked about back when we were just dating.

I told Bryan that I don't remember who I was before Zoe Jane and I am not sure how to be that person anymore. He said that he has watched me for three months and he doesn't know what to do either. Is there a magical day when you don't feel guilty for laughing or smiling and the sky is blue and you hear birds chirping? Is there a wind change that blows through you and gives you back a piece of who you once were? I am just different and I will never be the same.

I was talking to a friend this week who just lost her little ones heartbeat on Monday. She said that she felt an uncontrollable urge to completely change things. I related to that so much. You absolutely want to move away, get a new job, cut your hair, tell people to go to hell. She said that she and her husband painted their bedroom and moved things around. We did the same thing.

You know how you read novels where the main character was a doctor, or lawyer, or something very professional and all of a sudden they just quit their job to go to Ireland to live in a cottage their Great Grandmother left behind and "find" themselves all while living off of their hefty portfolio? Yeah... that is what I want to do. Except I don't have a cottage in a quaint Irish village nor do I have a hefty portfolio.

Well, I just want to remember my little girl. I want people to talk about her with me and love her too. I don't want to feel bad that I remember that she would have been here with us. I can hear the thunder in the distance and I see the big raindrops falling from the sky. I am glad that it is stormy tonight. It suits my mood and my thoughts. Maybe sleep will come easily.