When you lose a child you are overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that you have never experienced. You feel hate, anger, sadness like you have never felt before. You don't like people simply because they get on your nerves and you just don't know why. I don't like the way some people chew their food, or laugh, or constantly talk or ask questions, or take too long to tell me something.
This doesn't mean that I am full of hate. I am not. It is just that right now... at this point in my grief... there is something that is holding me captive and I can't quite break loose.
I was talking to Bryan yesterday about all of the research that I have done on infant loss. Some of us know that there is a possibility that we will lose our babies, but we don't know why. Others know the cause. It may be a disease or defect of some kind. Those are the people who are able to memorialize their children by supporting a cause. I respect these people... they can carry on with a mission and it is SO brave to me....But I don't have a cause. There isn't an "I don't know why my baby died charity" and it sucks. Actually, it pisses me off. I feel like there is nothing that I can do to keep her memory alive... because there were only a few people who held her, who saw her, who could envision her tiny little spirit in that precious, lifeless body.
I don't feel like I can talk about her anymore without people saying that I need to get over it. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable. I just miss her. I just wanted her here with me.. and the thought of never having her is unbearable.
Another thing that really pisses me off are all these fundraisers for the parents of a lost child. OK. I know that funerals/memorials cost money because WE HAD TO PAY FOR ONE. No one ever expects to have to buy a plot for a grave, or a casket, or talk to someone about cremation, or write an obituary, pick out a memory book, scriptures, poems, music... especially for your baby. But these parents who literally just quit going to work for a whole month because their baby dies and then expects the community to come together to pay their bills for them is pretty ridiculous to me. Now, this is just my opinion... and if you don't like it... that is fine. Don't get all up in arms about what I just said and think that I am the wicked witch... stop reading right here if you disagree. But what I am trying to understand is that when a normal service for an infant costs about $1500, and you have a fundraiser that generates $15,000, what are you doing with that extra money? Are you going on vacation? Because I would like to go on a vacation too...but I have a business to help run and I can't. If you are not donating that money to a charity in memory of your child, then I do not respect that. If you are not taking that money and giving it to the less fortunate, then I do not respect that. If you are putting that money in an account to get you through the next six months because you don't feel like working... well, I don't agree with that.
There have been people come in and ask for donations for some of these fundraisers lately, and whether or not they knew about Zoe Jane, I don't feel comfortable unless I know where the money is going. And hey, they weren't tossing money our way when we had extra bills to pay.
We were off from work for a few days when Zoe Jane died, but the day that I was in labor my husband went back and forth between the cafe and an all day catering job and took care of it all. He was still there when she was born and for pictures with her, and then he had to go back to work because there were other obligations. I was in the hospital until the day before her funeral. We only took off the day after so that we could try to get some sleep... and then we were back to work. We didn't have a fundraiser to pay for the lost business. We just pulled up the boot strings a little tighter and dealt with it. This is on top of raising two kids with NO child support and paying a staff. So just remember when you support small businesses you are not only helping the local economy, but you are helping to send our son to Arkansas Childrens for his check ups because he has bone cancer and his mother dropped his insurance, you are helping to pay for our little girl to take ballet because she loves to dance, and you are helping our employees do the same for their families. We don't have fundraisers because we work for what we have... and I think that Zoe Jane would be proud of her parents for not exploiting her death for money.
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