It's Time For Zoe Jane

I have tried to avoid it. I have tried to push it away and think about other things. I have tried to just make it go away. But it is here. It is inevitable. That number on the calendar. It is like a big red X on the wall...

This is my due date week.

I would have been huge. I wouldn't have been able to walk.

I can barely function. I am a mess. I am crying constantly. I don't want to be here.

And yet this is a huge week for us. It is the first week of school. We are moving to a new location. We are going to be closed for half of the week. Apparently there is a hurricane brewing so bad weather is on the way. It's just gonna be freaking marvelous. I just can't wait to move all of our crap in the pouring rain while hoping that the city gets our inspection done and we get everything in place and ready to go for next week while everyone else gets to enjoy their Labor Day weekend.  I get to unpack and dwell on the fact that I should be bringing a new baby home this weekend. Instead I will be taking flowers to her grave.

She doesn't even have a headstone yet. I can't decide on what to do. Do I get a marker? An angel? A bench with her name on it? Some days I am so pissed because I wish that I had her ashes so that I could just have her here with me all the time... just carry her from room to room. But she is in the ground in another town and I have to drive there. I wasn't thinking about it clearly when it happened but you really WANT your baby with you. She shouldn't be there all by herself. I hate that I didn't have her cremated. I just did what I thought I should do. The things that I would have done differently....

I would have been healthier.

I would have gone to a different doctor.

I would have checked my blood pressure every hour of every day just because.

I would have talked to her more when she was inside of me.

I would have prayed more.

I would have looked at the ultrasounds more intently and memorized every little movement.

I would have held her longer and kissed her from head to toe.

I would have dressed her and kept her with me in my room for as long as possible.

I would have told her more that I loved her while I held her in my arms.

I would have told that doctor to GO TO HELL.

I would have yelled and screamed and told people to be compassionate.... to show some respect.

There are still things that need to be done. I just can't do everything all at one time. I still need to order something for her grave, write the hospital, pay hospital bills, make sure that people got thank you notes, attend support group meetings, go to therapy, put all of her stuff in one place instead of having it scattered everywhere, get rid of all the clothes that I bought her, frame her pictures, go to the beach and write her name in the sand myself....

I swear that this is the worst year of my life. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of working all the time. I am tired of smiling and telling people that I am OK and that God knows what is best. I am tired of hearing that Zoe Jane is with Jesus and that she is playing with all the other children in Heaven. I just think that it is all bullshit. What comfort do I get in all of those words? They are just words. You might as well tell me that she is in Oz with Dorothy following the Yellow Brick Road. And yes... that just came out of my mouth. Ok.. I can hear my mother yelling at me right now... I can hear all of the intakes of breath at the sacrilege. But really... do any of you find it at all comforting when people say those things to you after someone dies? NO. A BIG FAT HELL NO.

You would rather that person be here with you. No matter if you never met them or if you had them here with you for a hundred years. You would rather them be here with you. It is selfish but it is human nature. We are meant to love and care and nurture. And I would be the worst mother in the world to say that I wanted my child in Heaven and not with me.

So I tell you what I am going to do this week. I am going to work and pack and move and get my step kids to school dressed well with fabulous lunches because that is my new thing this year. I am going with some friends tomorrow afternoon to get pedicures and then I may meet up with another friend for dinner. My hairdresser is back from vacation and I am having my hair done on Thursday... of course... when the damn hurricane is coming through. (which is a running joke because it rains every flipping time I get my hair done) I am going to have wine when I want this week, I am going to cry. I am going to yell if I want, throw things if I want and say exactly what I want. If you ask me how I am I will tell you that I am miserable, I miss my Zoe and I am furious that I am not bringing her home for Labor Day. Her Daddy and I met on Labor Day weekend and I remember how I felt back then. Life was full of possibilities and new love... we never thought that in just a couple of years we would experience such pain and loss.

Please understand that I do love my God. I do love my husband and his children. I do love my family and friends. One must understand that grief plays tricks with your psyche and it changes something within you. On the outside you are and can be the same person, but on the inside you are forever changed. I don't blame anyone for what happened. It is beyond our understanding.

It's time for Zoe Jane.. So this week remember that she would have been. She was. And is. And Always will be... So if you are raising a glass for anything this week, think about her for just a second... Our Sweet Zoe Jane would have come into this world around the same time that her Mommy and Daddy met two years ago. We are re-opening the Cafe in the place where we were married on Zoe Jane's Due Date, September 4th, at 1915 Olive Street. So if you don't have anything to do next Tuesday, then come see us and celebrate what could have been. What should have been. And what WILL BE. Because one thing is for sure.... her Daddy can cook and her Mommy knows how to throw a party. And I bet if you look really hard you will see butterflies all around us.