Prayers and Dreams

I pray.. I pray a lot. People say that it helps. The Bible says to do it. I feel better when I do. There hasn't been a day since I lost you that I haven't prayed for you. I prayed for you before you were conceived, I prayed for you everyday that you were inside of me and I prayed that you would be my strong little girl and overcome the obstacles that were ahead.

God had other plans for you. He needed you. You were too beautiful for Earth and in some way there is a lesson to be learned here. I am not sure that I will learn what it is for a really long time. The first couple of months I was pretty numb and just threw myself into work so that I wouldn't think about not having you. The numbness wore off and the reality set in. The past couple of weeks have been the hardest of my life. I miss you.

This week would have been 36 weeks. I know that if you had made it, you would already be in my arms... even though it would have been too early.

I have prayed and pleaded with God to let me see you. Whether it were my imagination or in my dreams. I have begged Him to just let me see what you look like. I always think of you as a toddler because that is more realistic, but I feel like when the angels brought your spirit to Heaven and God touched you that you became the gorgeous adult that He had in mind.

Last night my prayers came true. I dreamed of you. You were about two...maybe a little younger but you were walking well...a tiny little thing with a pixie face and dark curls and you ran towards me with your arms held up high. You knew who I was and I knew who you were... You wrapped those arms tight around my neck and did not let go.

The sad thing is that is all I remember. I know that little girl could have been anyone... but I KNOW that it was you, Zoe Jane. I know that God allowed me to see you and feel the love from you for just a moment in time. I will never forget it. I will never forget how your arms felt around my neck, having that connection to you.

I'll never believe that prayer does not work. I know that it does. I am thankful that I asked God to send you to me and I am so glad to be your mommy.