Breathing

Is there a time limit on grief? Is there a time when others just think in their minds that you should be over it? I, for one, think people who tell you to "get over it" just say that so they feel less awkward in your presence. It lets them speak easier about normal things so they don't have to address the fact that you are still grieving.

I still have a hard time being around a lot of people. I feel closed in. I feel like I need to crawl into a hole, a cave, my bed. I haven't been to events yet. I haven't really been out to eat with my family. I haven't been to church or shopping or out with friends. I have to work so I stay in the kitchen all day at the cafe. On the rare occasion that I have to go out front I make it as brief as possible. I don't want people to see how I look. I don't want the shadows under my eyes to show. I don't want them to see me with my hair pulled back with hardly any make up on. I am hoping that soon I will wake up and have a perfect hair day. Look good with makeup on. Have a fabulous outfit with accessories so that people notice that I am back. 

But... I am not back. I am just getting up every morning and reminding myself to breathe because it still hurts. We are working so much. The cafe is so busy and the flower shop is too. I work on flowers in the morning before we open for lunch and then again in the afternoons after we stop serving lunch. We decided today to open on Mondays from now on and so now we will rarely have a day off except for Sunday. Work has saved me. I stand beside my husband all day. We have a good staff and they have all helped me too.

I received a letter in the mail today about how my blog has helped someone to heal. It truly touched my heart and I cried as I read it. The story this person told me was something that I didn't know and I have a complete understanding of how they feel. I am honored that my rambling on here has helped. Several people have asked me to write a book and I wouldn't even know where to start. I get e-mails and messages from people telling me they appreciate what I write. When I started this it was just a way to get some things off my chest, but it has turned into something for Zoe Jane. I want her to know that she is never forgotten and how I am working through losing her.

I hope everyone who follows my blog understands that I AM getting better. There are good days and bad. There are sleepless nights and nights where I sleep HARD and dream strange dreams. I am finding ways to get through the days. I have made new friends through Zoe Jane. I have learned to appreciate life and the people in it. I am finding myself again, one breath at a time.