Four Weddings and A Funeral

We did four weddings today. There is also a funeral. I am dead tired. All day I kept thinking that if I were still pregnant, I would be in the bed because Monday is the day that we were supposed to go to Little Rock to see if Zoe was viable enough to deliver. If she had just made it three more weeks.

Three more weeks. It haunts me. I wonder constantly if there was something that I did those last three days that kept her from living three more weeks.

I am still seeing butterflies all the time. They just come and sit next to me or fly next to my car down the street. I have a friend who said that she was sitting on a mountain in Colorado thinking about us and Zoe Jane and a big butterfly flew up and sat next to her for a long time. I told her that it had to be Zoe. Another friend brought me a flower vase with Zoe's name and date on it along with a gorgeous paper butterfly. I love it. I put flowers in it and they are on the bar upstairs.

Friday was three weeks. I feel stupid counting like it is an anniversary or something. But the day comes that she came into this world and I can't help but think of her ALL DAY LONG. There was someone in the cafe on Friday who wanted to talk to me and our server said that today wasn't a good day, I was busy. But she just wanted to talk to me about Zoe. Well, it isn't the best time. This person told him that I should be over it by now. Three weeks. Whatever.

Everyone is pregnant. Everyone has a new baby. My Facebook is constantly updated with newborn photos of my friends and I am not sure if more people are pregnant and having babies or if I am just noticing it more. I asked Bryan the other day if it was just me and he said that he notices more too. He hurts just as I do. I cry a lot in the shower so that it doesn't affect everyone in my house.

I saw someone today who didn't know that we had lost her. The same pitying looks and "Oh, I am so sorry and How are you?" All I can say is that I am OK when really I am not. But you can't say that to people. They want to think that you are OK even if you aren't. People can't deal with others who are not doing well. They don't know how to handle you. So I choose to say that I am doing well and that we know that she is where she is supposed to be even though I don't like it. It just saves people the time of telling me that God has a plan. I know. But it doesn't make it any better when I miss her.