The Walk

Can I park in reserved parking for expectant mothers? I expected to be a mother. That was my first thought driving to the hospital for my follow up appointment. I decided against it. Next came the walk to the front door. I noticed the trees, heard the clank of an old car pulling up to pick up someone being discharged. It was HOT. I was nervous. I had a speech all prepared for the doctor. I felt the tears welling up. I kept them from spilling over as I went to registration. The woman asked me what I was there for and all the normal questions. She didn't know that my baby had died, so she asked all of the normal prenatal questions. I had to tell her.

Third floor. Opens up to the nursery and it was full of babies. All of the blinds were open so that people could look. As I was walking down the hallway that seemed miles long, a couple with a newborn, all decked out in a cute outfit with a pink bow passed by me. She was a perfect sweet angel. I walked into the waiting area, handed the clerk my paperwork and waited. In the waiting room with pregnant women.

I was called in. The nurse didn't speak. She didn't say hello or how are you today? I wanted to say, "So, I guess you know my baby died, because you aren't saying anything." I got on the scales, then to the blood pressure machine where it read WAY high. She STILL doesn't say anything. I just follow her.

Went into a room. The border around the room is stupid and outdated and the curtains don't match. I get out my list of questions to ask that are written on the back of an envelope in my purse. The tears are threatening again and I push them back. I am anxious to see my doctor because he has always been really nice. Little did I know that I was in for a different experience.

He comes in with the nurse who doesn't seem to have a voice. They both just stare at me and he says that my blood pressure is high. Well, no shit. It was high before I was pregnant and I TOLD you people that. They never addressed it. He tells me that we will take it again before I leave.

"Other than blood pressure, how are you doing?" I wanted to say "How the hell do you THINK I'm doing?" But instead the tears are about to come and my throat closes up... I just look away. It seems like forever before I say "Not good." Then he tells me that they have good counselors and I choke out that I am already seeing someone not affiliated with his hospital.

So then he suggests that we can just get this exam over so that I can be on my way. He checks me, tells me that I am fine and that is it. He acts like he is going to leave and I tell him that I have questions. He looks annoyed, like he has something better to do. Really? This is the doctor who never came to see me after my baby died. He never called. I never got any communication from him or his staff. I think I am entitled to a few damn questions.

I look at my list which seems stupid now. I tell him that Liberty Medical calls me everyday wanting the paperwork from his office so that my insurance will pay for the glucose monitor they sent me. He tells me that he doesn't handle that. I tell him that his staff hasn't handled it and he looks at me and says in the most defensive voice ever...."If my nurses said they did it, then they did it." Really, because they call me everyday and say they don't have it. I tell him that I have called his office 6 times and have not had my calls returned. He just looks at me like it is MY problem. I ask about blood pressure to which he responds that he doesn't prescribe those medications, he just handles babies. OK..... I want to ask if that is why he didn't handle my blood pressure issue when I was pregnant. I ask about birth control, he says that he won't prescribe me anything because my blood pressure is high, but he sure as hell doesn't give me any options. I feel helpless, like I am the idiot here. I tell him that UAMS wants a 24 hour urine for further testing and suggested that he order it and send them the results because we are trying to figure out my issues and it will keep me from having to stay in Little Rock for 2 days. He tells me no.

I ask him about the pathology report from the birth. He tells me there was nothing to tell. I ask him to send it to UAMS and he says they will have to request it. So after this I just give up. I drop eye contact. I can't look at him but I can't say what I want to say because I am about to cry. My voice won't cooperate. I want to tell him that he is a sorry ass doctor. I want to say that he is uncaring. I want to scream at him because I considered him a personal friend before he became my doctor and now I just think that he is a bastard. He tells me that he is sorry things didn't work out. He doesn't give me a recommendation, he doesn't do ANYTHING but walk out.

I just start crying. I get up and get dressed, put my shoes on and sit by the window. I can't stop. I can't breathe. I can't talk. The nurse practitioner walks in and sits down. Somehow she just KNOWS that I am not OK. She starts talking to me and I just keep crying. I can barely talk. She tells me that she lost a child and she understands. I tell her that what hurts at the moment is that my doctor was so uncaring. She says that she understands. I tell her that women like me shouldn't have to see the nursery, sit in the waiting room with pregnant women or be treated like an idiot by their doctor. The nurse walks in and tells me that the doctor suggests that I go to the emergency room for my blood pressure. He obviously didn't want to deal with it. I tell them I will call my PCP and get my old prescription filled. The nurse practitioner walked with me to the back elevator so that I wouldn't have to see the babies. She told me to call her if I needed anything. She hugged me.

So I walked out of the hospital in a fog of anger and tears and emotions that I couldn't explain. I got in my car and just cried. Loud. I wanted to scream but I didn't want people in the parking lot to look at me like I was crazy. Someone that loses a child should NEVER have to go to a follow up appointment alone, to see babies and pregnant women everywhere.

WE JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

I called my PCP when I returned home. They called in my medicine, told me they would request my records and get me on birth control, told me they would speak to my UAMS doctor for the 24 hour test here so that I don't have to stay in Little Rock for two days. Well hell, maybe I should have gone to THEM when I got pregnant. They were so helpful and NICE and understanding. She took care of everything in one phone call. She actually talked to me on the phone. I wasn't a chart. I was a person to her.

I am blogging about this today not only because I am mad as hell but because these are things that should never happen. If you even suspect for one second that your doctor isn't a good fit for you, then fire them. Don't go to doctors who are friends because if your baby dies, they apparently unfriend you. I would have understood if I had come into my follow up visit all up in arms, but I was just sitting there, fighting back tears. I was harmless. Fragile. And that doctor broke the glass wall that I had been building up around me. All in just one comment.

The whole experience has been horrible. Not only was my prenatal care awful, but the loss and aftermath with the hospital and doctor have been the worst experience of my life. I wouldn't take my worst enemies DOG there. Now I have to make some decisions about my future. I have to find out what is wrong. I need someone who CARES to see me and walk me through it. I don't understand the medical profession right now. I don't understand why this happened to me. Was it not enough that I lost my baby?