Holding On

This week was rough. Mondays suck because that is the day we buried our sweet Zoe Jane. Fridays suck because that is the day that she was born... and so Wednesday sucked because of my so called doctor and follow up appointment. My husband and I have worked 60 plus hours this week and I am so tired. I feel guilty because I haven't been to her grave in a few weeks.

My stepdaughter started calling me Mom this week. It sounded so weird and still does, but she sees me as her Mom and frequently tells me that I am the best Mom in the world. She has a sweet heart and needs attention, so I am trying my best to give it to her. My stepson still calls me Ms. Jennifer, but he tells me that he loves me several times a day and he hugs me a lot. I do love these kids. I just miss mine.

I look at her pictures all the time and I imagine her little personality. I know that she would have been stubborn but smart, creative and loving. I wonder if she would have had her Daddy's pretty eyes and my dark hair. I know she would have been tall, because she had long legs. I know she would have been the light of my life.

When you lose a child you want to remember them any way that you can. Jewelry, memory books, little mementos. I wonder when enough is enough? I have two necklaces that people have given me as gifts. I love them both. I have her name on my Pandora that my stepsister gave me. A ring with her name, and the ring that Bryan gave me on Valentines Day with her birthstone and diamonds, when we thought she would come in September. I have a memory box. I am working on a memory book for her. I have a vase that a friend gave me. I don't want people to think that I am obsessed. I am just clinging to her any way that I can.

Tomorrow night I get to go on a date with my husband. I don't have anything to wear. I want to dress up and look good but I don't feel good. I just pray that when we go out to dinner and maybe a movie that I don't look like a whale. Now that I have the go ahead from my doctor then I will start trying to get some weight off so that I feel better. But I have no energy. I don't want to work out. It is 100 degrees every day here in Texas. I am going to try. I need the confidence back.

I think that it is OK to have days that suck. It is OK to feel like you are not attractive anymore (for a while, anyway). I think that one should have as many mementos as you want to remember your child and to hell with the people who think that you should "get over it". You don't get over this. It just hurts less each day.