Losing it

There is a whole brick wall in front of me. I am working on flowers for a wedding. I want to throw this whole vase of hydrangeas against that brick wall. I wonder what it would feel like. Would it take away this anxiety? Would it make me breathe better? I am afraid that if I throw one vase then I will throw another. And possibly another. Then I will have to clean it all up. It wouldn't be fair to make someone else do it.

I think that I am losing my strength... little by little is it ebbing away today. First people were getting on my nerves, now I don't want to be in anyone's presence. Why can't these feelings just hold off? I have weddings to do. I need to stay up all night and get all of this done.

I am tempted to take some plates out to the dumpster and smash them. That is what responsible Jennifer would do. I can't let go of that little bit of control that I have over my emotions. If I let it go then I will have a mess. That I have to clean up. I need sleep. I need to stay in bed for a whole day and only get up if I have to. Sunday. Maybe Sunday. Until then the hydrangeas must stay in the vase.