The anger eventually comes. The questions swirl around again. Sleep becomes something that you cannot cling to anymore. When I first lost Zoe I was in shock. People kept saying that I was being so strong and they couldn't believe I went back to work so quickly. I thought I was doing the right thing by going back to something familiar. I think that shock is a good thing after the loss of an infant. It allows you to walk around in a fog so that you are not screaming at everyone that speaks in your direction.
But just wait... it eventually hits you. The moods. The anger. The questions. The insomnia. The staring off into space because you can't concentrate. The fact that you are SO TIRED.
People call and I don't answer. I listen to voice mail once a week. I can't deal with talking on the phone. I feel like I should be doing something else. I feel like there is a greater purpose out there for me but I can't figure out what it is.
Every time someone else loses their baby I feel things all over again. Zoe has only been gone four weeks. Four weeks. It seems like yesterday. There have been three babies lost over the past two weeks. People that I don't exactly know personally but friends of friends. I don't understand it. I guess I never will.
Pray. Pray hard for these parents because it is the worst thing in the world. They will never be the same. I will never be the same. You can't be. It changes something within you and you can't get it back. Pray for comfort and peace and love. Those are the things that evade you when this happens. Pray for strength.
Of course you have purpose, and so many people who love you and your family! What a tragedy, the not understanding why God takes these babies so soon. I know that is the question everyone needs/wants to know.
ReplyDelete