After seeing that my stepson was alright and tucked in bed with the X Box, We decided to take off for our girl day and leave the boys behind. We headed straight for the movies to see Brave, and thank goodness I am a stickler for getting to the movies early, because it filled up fast. I hate sitting in the front. I am a back row kind of gal... (because sometimes I nod off if the movie is boring.) Popcorn and Coke Zero in hand, we started eating our Milk Duds and Popcorn before the movie even started. I introduced my stepdaughter to the sweet and salty mix of the two junk food items and she fell in love. I told her it was my secret addiction... Milk Duds and Popcorn.
The whole time we were there I was thinking that I had dreamed about these moments. Getting dressed up, going to a girl movie, eating junk food and then shopping... all with MY little girl. I almost felt guilty sharing things with my stepdaughter, but I know she needs it too. I am her mom now. She tells me all the time that I am the best mom ever. I love my stepkids dearly but there is something missing in my relationships with them, even though it is hard to pinpoint. I have decided to love them as much as possible, but nothing compares to the love you have for your own child.
People think that K is mine. She looks a lot like me and she is starting to act like me, God help her. She has a fantastic little work ethic and she is a chatterbox for sure. She would have been a good sister to Zoe Jane. She would have taught her a lot. I showed her a picture of Zoe and was so happy when she exclaimed "Aww...she is the cutest baby in the whole word!" I was relieved that she saw what I see... a gorgeous little girl who is sleeping.
The first couple of weeks I couldn't deal with my stepchildren. They were asking questions that I didn't have the answers for and I didn't know how to respond to them, so I let Bryan answer. I didn't want to talk, didn't want to touch, didn't want to hear them. I felt like an evil stepmother. I would see them sleeping and get mad because my husband had children to hug and kiss on but I didn't. I would sit and cry and he would hug his children. It wasn't fair.
The past couple of weeks have been different. It is like the kids actually KNOW that I need love. They will both randomly tell me they love me out of the blue, B is hugging me goodnight now. They have even slipped up and called me Mom a few times.
Today as K and I were coming home, one of my friends sent me a picture to my phone. She is at a memory walk for infant loss that I couldn't make, and there next to her son's name on her number was Zoe's name. She was walking for Zoe too and it did something to me. This person who has only known me for a few weeks was thoughtful and loving enough to remember my little Zoe Jane. I immediately called my husband and he was busy, so he didn't really grasp what I was saying to him... I was so happy that someone was remembering my little girl. I hung up the phone and just cried. K was in the car with me and she listened to me as I told her that I miss Zoe. I told her that I try to be strong and not be upset all the time, but I just miss her. She looked at me with understanding in her eyes and told me that she wished that she had her little sister here too.
I drove to my sister's house to love on her kids where Logan spent his time "talking" on the cell phone and Jensen laughed at me and then proceeded to spit up all over me. They made me feel better. These little guys who are my sweet nephews that actually seem happy to see me when I come over.
When I got home Bryan and I talked a lot about her. He misses her too. He wants to know why but explained to me that God has a reason. He knows what is best and who are we to question him? I sat there with tears rolling down my face as I listened to my husband talk about our little girl. It broke my heart and healed it a little all at the same time.
I love your friendship I love the way we are close. I know that our god makes up close for our babies and our healing
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