Two Weeks.

Today I woke up with a migraine. My blood pressure is high. I did go to the doctor to get checked out so things will be OK after this medicine kicks in. I have medicine for the sinus infection, the blood pressure, the anxiety and the migraines. Hopefully all of my bases are covered for now. I hate medicine. It just sucks having to take it for anything.

Bryan and I are off on Mondays. We really need a day off each week because we work on weekends. A lot of people call us on Mondays. It is almost impossible to escape. If they don't reach us at the store they call our cell phones. It is crazy. Today we did escape. We went to DeKalb to pay for Zoe's funeral and Robb gave us her little footprints and handprints. They are so tiny and perfect. Bryan sat looking at them and compared them to his own. Amazingly precious. We decided to visit some people in town... Of course we couldn't leave Larel's Furniture without buying a new recliner and we also picked up some flowers from Jody's to take to Zoe. They were pink lilies and roses tied together and they were perfect for our baby girl. We then went to the cemetery and listened to the birds for awhile.

I felt a little stronger today. Last night I was laying in bed after a pretty good day and the panic and fear just gripped me. It wouldn't let go and I didn't know what to do. I laid in the bed wondering how I could have such a good day and then all of a sudden the anxiety just slaps me in the face. I worry about the doors being locked. Light shining under a door freaks me out. I need dark when I sleep. If I sleep. I space out a lot.  My husband gives me these looks like there is something seriously wrong with me. I know that he is hurt and grieving but I truly believe that moms and dads grieve differently. Bryan has his kids to love and kiss on and has the comfort of knowing they are part of him. My heart is still breaking because I didn't get to keep the baby we made. Her little face is burned into my memory. Those little feet. I have looked at every line of those feet.