Saturday was grueling. I had a headache which can be attributed to the fact that I drank three Shiner Bock before going to bed on Friday night. Two weddings at different times in different towns. My goal was to make each bride super happy. These were the first jobs since Zoe Jane died and I had a conversation with her last week when I visited her grave site. I just asked her to give me strength to carry on with the floral studio. I love what I do and I am good at it, but there are days when I just don't want to pick up a flower. I feel displaced, out of sorts and confused when I look at my floral supplies. These feelings are normal considering what I have been through, but if Zoe has the ability to help me to carry on and be fabulous at my career, then I needed her little spirit to help Momma.
I was scared to even start working on these weddings. I turned on Pandora, got all of my things together and just dove in. I got a lot of work done on Friday night, then got up early Saturday to finish and go to set the first wedding. I was happy with everything. I went a little above and beyond for each bride and everything looked great. Late last night I received text messages from EACH bride saying that everything was amazing and more than they had ever hoped for. I felt relief. I felt contentment. I know that Zoe Jane was helping me to be creative and get through the day.
My body is not healed. I have a really bad sinus infection. I am tired all the time. Next week we have several weddings. Then we have a dinner event here the next weekend. I THINK that I am free the last weekend of June. I want to go to the beach. Just me and the hubby. I doubt that will be possible any time soon even though I am yearning to lay in the sand and listen to the water. I wish that I could win the lottery so that I could just go on a vacation and not have to worry about working all the time to pay bills.
I slept this afternoon. The dreams stayed away. I was so thankful. Last night I slept really well and woke up late this morning. We went shopping for shorts. Bryan and I are both ready for the summer but now I have to shave my legs and possibly get a tan. He had Zoe Jane's name tattooed on his arm yesterday. It is really pretty script and I love it. I just stared at it for a long time last night. Tomorrow is two weeks since the funeral. I have to go to the funeral home in the morning. I need to pick up some things and then I will stop by to put flowers on her grave.
The anger came this weekend and I somehow managed to suppress it with work. I will let it out soon. It came on fast and furious and there was anxiety behind it all. I keep wondering if I need medicine to deal with everything but then again I want to FEEL it all. I spoke with a friend today and we talked about how we do for others, help others and are really just good people. About how I waited all this time to have a baby with the man that God chose for me. About how I want something good to happen in my life instead of having to work so hard. I just wanted a baby. There are people out there that have babies everyday and they don't want them. I am angry about that. I miss her kicks. I miss looking at baby clothes and thinking about how I would decorate her nursery. Why couldn't God let me have her?
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