Daddies

I have been reading a lot about infant loss. It is way more common than one might think. There are women who lose several babies and still try again. And again. These are STRONG women. If you know one you should buy her a Wonder Woman cape. Maybe even the lasso.

People have asked us over the past couple of weeks if we will try again. The honest answer is that we do not know. There are so many questions to be answered and I am just not sure that I am up to even  thinking about it yet. I am 35. Almost 36. The risks become greater as each day passes.

Another thing that I have been researching is the effects of infant loss on the father. Moms definitely get sympathy and love. Dads are supposed to be strong. Moms get to stay in bed and cry. Dads have to go to work. This is sad because the dad didn't have this child growing inside of him. He didn't have severe morning sickness for 20 weeks. He didn't feel the baby kick. But she was half him. He loved her. He loves her. He is her Daddy.

There are times when Bryan and I just look at each other and we KNOW. We know the other is thinking about Zoe. He reaches for my hand and squeezes tight. I am a little scared to tell him everything. There are thoughts that are crazy. The nightmares have started. I don't sleep well. I relive the loss over and over with different scenarios. I wake up in a cold sweat and wonder why I am in my bed instead of at the hospital. I feel like I look terrible everyday. I need sleep. And some really good eye cream.

One thing to remember is that yes... our hearts are fragile. BUT we love our family and friends and we appreciate every kind word that you speak to us about our daughter. She isn't here but she WAS here. Her name is Zoe Jane and we want to hear you say her name and not avoid it. I hate the fact that I am now a Mother but my little girl is in heaven and I can't spend time with her. I can't teach her how to braid hair or tie her shoes. We can't go shopping or have family pictures made. I wanted to get homemade Mother's Day cards and breakfast in bed.

Do you know someone who has lost a child? Who has lost several? Pray for them. But most important tell them that you love them, you are thinking of them and tell them how strong they are. Even the dads, because they need the comforting words too. Daddies love their babies too. We can't forget them.