The Fear

So I am totally afraid tonight. I have two stepchildren who have been with us for the past six months and TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. Bryan and I work ALL day. EVERYDAY. My grief is masked right now by the fact that I have to get through meetings with brides, catering jobs, getting the kids to school in the morning. Let's get this straight. I am NOT a mom. This was not a job that I chose. It was something that was put on me by someone who decided they didn't want to be a mom anymore. My greatest fear through this whole ordeal is that I will hurt them. Not physically hurt them but ignore them. They are kids. They have stories to tell about their day. They color pictures for me, want me to read to them, work a puzzle or two. I can't do it right now. I feel guilty but I need my space. I need some time. I am their stepmom and it still isn't a role that I am comfortable with. A stepmom is just a replacement mom. I don't know how they acted as babies, I have no baby pictures or milestones from their formative years. What am I going to DO with them all summer? What will I do when I want to pull the covers over my head in the morning and sleep a little longer? Why do kids have to get up at 6 a.m. DURING THE SUMMER and on the WEEKENDS?

This doesn't mean that I don't love them. It doesn't mean that I want them to go away. My mother just sent me a text and said that this blog sounds like I don't love my children. That isn't it at all. But they are not MY children. I treat them like mine, but even if they were mine I would still feel the same despair right now. What do you say when they ask questions that even you don't know the answer to?

I had hoped that Zoe Jane would help me to learn to be a better stepmom... With her I would have that motherly instinct. The all knowing eyes in the back of my head like a superhero. I would understand why kids were the way they are. Even though I am technically a mother to Zoe Jane, she isn't here- so does it even count?