The First Visit

I had to deliver some flowers to the funeral home this morning. Working on Memorial Day. It never fails that when there is a holiday I end up working. On my way to make the delivery I really noticed all of the flags that were out. It made me sad. I miss my Papa Crawford quite a bit. He was the kindest man that you would ever meet. He always sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, a legal pad and a pencil. He was the type to "figure" things and let you know what was up. As a little girl I would get his legal pad, thumb through a few blank pages and draw him a picture with a note so that he would see it. And man, he was handsome. Even as an older gentleman he was handsome. He had huge muscles and always wore jeans and a white v- neck T-shirt that really showed off those arms.

When Papa became sick I didn't get to see him very much... but when they knew he wasn't going to make it much longer all of the kids, grandkids and even a few great grandchildren were called upon to say goodbye. It was so sad. Here was this great man lying there who was always so spry. I just remember holding his hand and telling him that I loved him over and over.

If I had known that in just a couple of years he would be watching over MY baby, his great-granchild from his oldest grandchild, then I would have reminded him to keep plenty of legal pads and pencils for her. I really hope that she is up there learning how to "figure" and sneaking a few pages ahead to leave him a note and picture.

Today was my first visit to the cemetery since last Monday. Today was a week since we laid Zoe Jane to rest. As I was driving there I tuned into Pandora and listened to music that took me back a few years. No matter what song it was, it made me sad because there are songs that match moments in your life. I told Bryan that I needed to spend some time there alone today so that I could just talk to her. Her flowers had faded and I brought her a tiny little pot of pink daisies that just looked like something that she would love. Her gravesite really is peaceful. There are two big oak trees and they cast a cool shade over her spot for most of the day. There are lots of birds and it is just really quiet.

I sat on the sidewalk next to her spot and told her how her Daddy and I met. I told her that he just walked into my shop the day after we met at an event and said "I wanted to know where your shop was and really, I just want to get to know you." I told her how I was so happy that I married him and what a good man he is. That he wanted her so much and what a good Daddy he would have been.

I told her how sorry I was that I didn't talk to her enough, sing to her enough or read her as many stories as I should have. I also told her that I am sorry if I did anything wrong. I can't help but think that I did something wrong and that this is all my fault. We still have no answers from doctors and all I can do is blame myself.

As I left the cemetery I felt peaceful. I feel like she can hear me. I just keep praying that God will let me see her in a dream. I really want that. To see my little girl and how she looks. Does she have my hair and fair skin? Did she get blue eyes or green? Is she tall like I imagine with my lips and nose? I know that one day I will see her but the waiting is the hardest part.