I have had so many people read my blog. So many people send messages to tell me to keep writing. The thing that is so funny is that I am the QUEEN of editing and errors in other peoples work and here I am just writing whatever I want, however I want and not adhering to the rules of English. I am not using correct punctuation and there are fragments everywhere. I don't care. I just hope that none of my English Professors read this. English was my minor in college.
I love that so many people are reading this blog. It is a part of me that I want understood. I am grieving and I am hurting and I need to get it out in a healthy way. I didn't want to be the one to sleep for two weeks and not shower because my life just couldn't go on without my baby. The fact of the matter is that I have no insurance, I have no job that lets me take a leave of absence. I am self employed. We have two businesses and I am needed. Don't think for one second that I wouldn't LOVE to sleep in. I would love to take a few days and go to the beach. I wouldn't mind just driving to some sleepy town to eat in a diner with my husband and drive back. BUT the fact is that we work. A LOT. We have to be here so that we can make a living. Our businesses are just the types that require the owner to be there at all times.
Sometimes I cry when I write. Sometimes I just feel relief. There are times when I cry two or three days later if I happen to go over a post. I won't say that there has been a day since I lost her that I have not cried. I am not sure that is possible right now. But I don't want all of my posts to make everyone cry. I know that it is sad. It is so sad. It is tragic. It is the kind of thing that you want to protect yourself from if you are expecting. You want to do everything right so that you are not one of those women who sleep for two weeks and not shower.
People say that I am strong but the fact is I want to crumble. I want to walk away. I have had all the crazy thoughts that people have when they suffer a loss. Being strong is something that I have always been good at. I don't necessarily enjoy HAVING to be strong. I remember thinking just a few short years ago that I was tired of having to work so hard when I am educated and talented. I wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to be able to stay at home and have babies and worry about what to cook for dinner. The truth is that I wouldn't be able to stand it. I have to be doing something at all times. I think that women who are fortunate enough to not have to work are very lucky... but most of them still work outside of the home or volunteer a lot.
It has been very hard to go back to work. I only had two days off for the funeral and the previous days I was in the hospital and literally had my laptop there doing work. It is hard when people come in and they want to see me but I feel like if I go out to talk with them then five other people will want to come up to me. It is not that I don't want to see people. I DO! It is just the other random people that have "heard" that something happened that I don't want to deal with.
There have been difficult customers at work. That happens from time to time. My staff have been great at thwarting catastrophes because I just don't want to deal with people and do damage control. It is amazing how nice someone becomes when they find out that your baby just died. The fact that we are out of creme brulee is not such an issue if your baby just died. People are weird. They can be total A-holes and then find out that you just lost your child and then they want to hug you. I want to throw you out of the front window because I don't know you and you just yelled at me because we are out of creme brulee and I really don't care because MY BABY DIED.
Anyway- the real reason for this particular post is because I don't want all of you to be sad. If you cry- make it a good, healing cry and then smile. Zoe Jane is fine. She is doing exactly what God wants her to do and where He needs her to be. Make it a cry that cleanses your soul and makes you a better person... even for just a day or two. And then smile. Because I will be fine too. I am working through this and your comments and love and support are good for my soul.
But don't bitch at me if we are out of creme brulee... because I will throw you through the front window...
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