The Pictures...

I was at Sams this morning buying some things for the cafe. I never go to Sams. Bryan goes almost every morning to get last minute things that we need because we always forget something or change our minds about menus for the next day. While I was there, looking at my list, my phone beeped. I am one of those people who is OCD about their phone messages. I am a deleter. I look at messages and then delete. I read Facebook posts and messages and then add appropriate comments. I looked at the Facebook message that appeared and it was from the Photographer. THE PHOTOGRAPHER. The precious woman with long braided hair who came to the hospital as quickly as possible to take pictures of us with Zoe Jane. Her name is also Jennifer. I know her. We have had the pleasure of working with her on weddings in the past. I know her work and I KNEW that my baby girl would look perfect in her photos.

Jennifer sent me a lovely message and let me know that she had been thinking about us and that when she left the hospital that day that she was worried. Worried that we wouldn't grieve. Worried that we had it together a little too much. She didn't know if we were in denial or if we had already accepted Zoe's passing. Then she stumbled across my blog. She said that she felt relief. She thought that it would be helpful to other parents who have lost a child. I stood in the canned goods aisle of Sams with tears streaming down my face. She told me that I would receive Zoe's pictures in the mail today.

In a way I was scared. Would she look the way that I remembered her? Would I cry? Would Bryan break down? Would I feel comfortable sharing my little girls pictures with other people? There were other things that flew into my mind... How did I look at that time? I had been in labor for 17 hours and I didn't have make up on. My hair wasn't fixed. I had needles in my arms. This is the Southern Girl way of thinking and I always swore that I would be one of those that put my damn makeup on right after delivery! Guess what? I didn't. And my sister was RIGHT THERE. She knows better than to let me get my picture taken without makeup. I was too out of it.

I worked in the kitchen with Bryan today and was actually outside on the phone with the funeral director talking to him about the death certificate when the mail came. After I wrapped up the phone call I walked in and Bryan pointed to a pile of mail. There were cards and bills and a package from Jennifer. I knew what was in that package. So I opened it last. There was also another package in the pile. I didn't recognize who it was from so I ripped into it and guess what was there? The glucose monitor that my doctors office repeatedly failed to order for me while I was pregnant. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 18 weeks and this week I would have been 26 weeks pregnant. I lost Zoe two weeks ago. It took them THAT LONG to get me the supplies that I needed to check my blood sugar. It pissed me off. Bryan threw something in the kitchen. I had to just put it away.

I stared at the brown package wrapped so carefully and tied with twine. The Photography seal on the front. I slowly opened the package and found a black box. I looked at Bryan. We exchanged a silent understanding and stepped out to the patio. Together we opened the box and among the black tissue paper were pictures of our baby. I started to silently cry. Tears literally falling down my face. I had to hold the pictures away from me so they wouldn't get wet.

The pictures of Bryan holding her are my favorite. His hands are so big and she is so small. I love the pictures of her little feet and her little hands. There are two photos of my sister holding her and they are gorgeous. My sister is so pretty holding my sweet little girl. I think about what Jennifer said in her message. She prayed that we would grieve. I have been waiting for these pictures. They are a part of the grieving process. A part that is important. We need to be able to remember just what she looks like. How precious she was. Her lips and nose and toes and fingers. Her tiny little fingernails. Her big feet!

I hope and pray that every parent that has to experience the loss of a child is also fortunate enough to experience someone like Jennifer Hood. She is an angel that God has here on Earth to help us remember our babies that are now with Him. So kind. So understanding and so compassionate. I will treasure these pictures forever. I have framed one of her and her Daddy to put on his side of the bed. We will always have the image of our little girl. Framed in time by one of God's own workers. Thank you. We will never forget your kindness.