The light from the bathroom was left on and it is extending onto the tile and hurting my eyes. I am too tired to get up and turn it off.. It is all the way across the room so I just turn over. I can't tell if it is sunny outside because the black out curtains are doing their job. I almost wish that it would rain today. Not be quite so pretty out. I woke this morning to my husband putting his arm around me and placing his hand over my stomach...just in the place where he could feel her kick. Except she isn't there anymore and it made me cry. I keep thinking about her pictures. I only have one picture of her little feet. I am waiting to get the pictures from the photographer who came after she was born. I am starting to forget what her little face looked like and it hasn't even been a week. Today was the day that we lost her. Just a week ago. Her heartbeat was there and Bryan heard it when the nurse checked. Then he went to work, I took a nap in the hospital room that was so quiet... and when they came back to listen for it again it was gone. She had slipped away while I was sleeping. But I had JUST felt her. She was just there. There was a moment in time that I thought she was just hiding. She was OK. I would deliver her and she would be breathing. Wouldn't that have been a miracle?
If you see me today and I can't quite focus on what you are saying...please understand that she is all that I am thinking about. I am not OK. I won't be OK for some time. She was my beautiful, precious little girl and all I can think is that I just want her here... with me.
UAMS called yesterday. The lady who gave me the box of tissue. The one who hugged me. She called and left a message to say that she was thinking of us and she had been crying. How does she do her job? How does she handle the common occurrence of infant loss? I called her back. She was so kind. She listened to me. She told me that she was setting me up to see a rheumatologist and that she and the Specialist had been reviewing my case. They want to help. They want to see us if we choose to try again. They want to figure out what is wrong with me so we can manage it. I have been constantly amazed that my local hospital has not called. My doctor has not called. But I am supposed to call them to schedule a follow up appointment. Follow up to what? Follow up to the fact that I have no baby?
I also want to say that I have to be honest. If I can't say what I am feeling here then I am lying to all of you and to Zoe. Some of the things are harsh, but I am not directing them towards anyone. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my house today but we are busy, I have meetings, there is an awards ceremony at the school for Bryan's kids. My head is stuffy and I have nothing to wear. I don't want to face another hug or sympathetic look and yet when people say nothing it is awkward.
Just know that we ALL love you!! People on the outside do not know exactly what or how you are feeling. For us, a hug is all we know to do to let you know that we are here for you when you may need us. I speak for myself and I'm sure I speak for others.
ReplyDeleteI think back to when my son was born at 27 week gestation. Chances were slim for him but he made it and I got to bring him home. I've sat here and tried to imagine what I would have done if I hadn't got to bring him home. Trying to come up with just the right words to say. Searching deep within and there just isn't any words that come to mind that can give you the comfort of than GOD!
Being in familiar situations, you want answers. You want ALL the answers!! What happened! Why did they not do this? Why did they not do that? Why? Why? Why?!! All those questions can not be answered. The medical profession expecially your primary ob/gyn do not want to open up and answer any of these in fear of legal litigation. I know this because I've wanted those same questions answered!!
I do not know how strong your faith is but God, family and friends are your stongest supporters. This blog is a wonderful idea and I'm very thankful to see you doing this.
I love you Lady, friend and previous neighbor!! I'm here for you no matter what time of day and night!! It may be a phone call or even a visit but I will always be here for you when you need me.
Jennifer in the darkest moments know that those babies love you and appreciate you more than you will ever know. You are a mother and a great mother at that. I became a step mother a few years ago and trust me I felt the same way. Last summer when I lost my pregnancy I felt the same way...but not to my stepdaughter but to my own daughter...my own flesh and blood. She didn't understand what happened to the baby in mommy's belly...but nor did I. All I knew was that it was gone...that for some reason I couldn't have that special little one. I have cried with every post that you have written. I have walked down the same path that you are on. I am not going to lie and tell you that it gets easier with time, because I don't think it does. 7 years ago I lost my beautiful baby at 20 weeks...to this day I still think and cry about it. The pain eases but it doesn't go away. Let people love you, let your husband and kids and your beautiful family love you. Know there are so many people out here praying for you. It's a long hard path but I know you will make it past this part. It's the hardest but I know you can make it.
ReplyDelete